Saturday, August 28, 2010
Day 1
I have a bout a year to train for my first triathlon. I plan on a sprint size which is a half mile swim, roughly 12 mile bike and a 5k run. I SHOULD be able to train for that in a year - but its not just about the aerobic or endurance training I need, i have a significant amount of weight to lose. However, i am feeling great these days and even though I can't run very far at all now, I am going to start traning for the Tri today instead of waiting until I am at my goal weight. So for today, total body resistance and i am going to run walk on the treadmill for at least 20 minutes and bike for 6 miles. i will let you know how i feel later....
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Incredible Shrinking Man
I have a friend at work who keeps calling me the incredible shrinking man; this week I haven’t felt that way. I have been in a foul mood and a bad mental state. This translates into a bad few days of food choices, the spiral has begun again. I feel horrible. I am sitting back at 315-316, its all retention weight but that isn’t the point. I thought that I had gotten past this mental issue, or was at least GETTING past it and I hit this roadblock. It is very frustrating. At the same time, the support EVERYONE at my work shows me is phenomenal, I feel as if every bad piece of food entering my mouth is letting them down too. And in a way, it is.
The incredible shrinking man, this statement has invigorated me this morning. It’s all about one little word. No. Do I want to eat Taco Fresco? No. Do I want Chopstix? No. Do I want a veggie 6 inch from subway? Yes. How hard is that? Even better, I have bought a metric ton of healthy food from the store, EAT IT.
The second part of my bad mood comes from the fact that I have not given myself any release valve for this pent up energy. I have to get to the gym. I love the way I feel at and after the gym. I am recommitted to it, I can STILL hit 299 by 9/15 if I PUSH hard and that starts today. Eat what I brought for lunch, eat what I bought from the store for dinner, and go to the gym afterwards.
Finally, my third mood prissiness comes not from the diet or exercise but my frustration with my “now, now, now’ attitude. Admittedly, this weight loss journey has made it easier, but I spend too much money, gamble too much money, and want too much right now. I have set up auto savings for 107.00 each payday, that’s 214 each month, how much is in my savings after 3 months? 7.00.
So here is my commitment to myself:
1) Really give it an effort to not eat out at all until 9/15, including subway and healthy taco bell menu – this is to prove I can do it.
2) Get to the gym tonight. Get to the gym tomorrow. Get to the gym Friday….
3) Stop touching my savings. Immediately put back the 100 I moved yesterday and leave it alone. Fix your W-2 and start planning your financial future and ruin. Contact debtors like the tickets, IRS, UHEEA, make plans. Live by my budget.
The incredible shrinking man, this statement has invigorated me this morning. It’s all about one little word. No. Do I want to eat Taco Fresco? No. Do I want Chopstix? No. Do I want a veggie 6 inch from subway? Yes. How hard is that? Even better, I have bought a metric ton of healthy food from the store, EAT IT.
The second part of my bad mood comes from the fact that I have not given myself any release valve for this pent up energy. I have to get to the gym. I love the way I feel at and after the gym. I am recommitted to it, I can STILL hit 299 by 9/15 if I PUSH hard and that starts today. Eat what I brought for lunch, eat what I bought from the store for dinner, and go to the gym afterwards.
Finally, my third mood prissiness comes not from the diet or exercise but my frustration with my “now, now, now’ attitude. Admittedly, this weight loss journey has made it easier, but I spend too much money, gamble too much money, and want too much right now. I have set up auto savings for 107.00 each payday, that’s 214 each month, how much is in my savings after 3 months? 7.00.
So here is my commitment to myself:
1) Really give it an effort to not eat out at all until 9/15, including subway and healthy taco bell menu – this is to prove I can do it.
2) Get to the gym tonight. Get to the gym tomorrow. Get to the gym Friday….
3) Stop touching my savings. Immediately put back the 100 I moved yesterday and leave it alone. Fix your W-2 and start planning your financial future and ruin. Contact debtors like the tickets, IRS, UHEEA, make plans. Live by my budget.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Quotes
"Of those who say nothing, few are silent" - Thomas Neiel
"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness" ~Margaret Millar
"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness" ~Margaret Millar
Sunday, August 22, 2010
August 22
i have been doing good on my diet, but its time to take it to the next level. Tomorrow morning will be the beginning of phase 2, which should take me to 240 pounds. After tonight, no more 'cheat' nights and i am determined to make it to the gym 4 times each week at least. No more playing around.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
August 18
I have plateaued at 310, but that is a little my fault. i have a hole in y plan called El Taco Fresco. Its so bad for me, but it seems once a week, yum-yum. i have dedicated myself to not eating it for 30 days. So, we will see.
Yesterday I signed up to volunteer at the Rock and Roll Triathlon Marathon / Half-Marathon in Vegas on December 5th, it should be great. 3 days - 2 in the hospitality tent and 1 on the race day. i think volunteering at as many as I can will help me to train, and learn tri's.
I want to write something that I had to think about. My fears about losing weight. Sounds odd eh? But its true, I have been heavy now over half my life, and morbidly obese for the last 5 years. I am afraid of who I will be when I lose the weight. Will that make me happy or will I still see myself as the fat guy? Will i be able to keep the weight off? Am I emotionally ready to be thin, do I think this will solve all my problems?
Absurd questions, but I have been wrapped up in the blanket of security called fat for some time now. I feel I may be kidding myself thinking I will date again. I don't want to always be alone, but I am not defined by my relationships. However, will i find someone to date?
anyway, I have to go back to work now.
Yesterday I signed up to volunteer at the Rock and Roll Triathlon Marathon / Half-Marathon in Vegas on December 5th, it should be great. 3 days - 2 in the hospitality tent and 1 on the race day. i think volunteering at as many as I can will help me to train, and learn tri's.
I want to write something that I had to think about. My fears about losing weight. Sounds odd eh? But its true, I have been heavy now over half my life, and morbidly obese for the last 5 years. I am afraid of who I will be when I lose the weight. Will that make me happy or will I still see myself as the fat guy? Will i be able to keep the weight off? Am I emotionally ready to be thin, do I think this will solve all my problems?
Absurd questions, but I have been wrapped up in the blanket of security called fat for some time now. I feel I may be kidding myself thinking I will date again. I don't want to always be alone, but I am not defined by my relationships. However, will i find someone to date?
anyway, I have to go back to work now.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Aug 13
Happy Friday the 13th beeches! I am 12 pounds away from 300 pounds. i still weigh 1/6.2 of a ton, but i am getting closer to that 1/10th that I want so bad (actually 1/12th, but who is counting?). i always told myself that once I dropped below 300 I would reward myself with a huge Western Bacon Double Cheeseburger, Large Fry and a chocolate shake....wait, no i didn't, sorry, cravings. I told myself I would get a new tattoo. I am thinking the word IMPOSSIBLE low on the back of my neck. Maybe up an arm, I do not know.
i am really excited to start training for a triathlon, i am well aware that I am not ready yet, but I am thinking in a year. i hopefully will weigh about 180-190 and have been running and biking. I am trying to volunteer at as many triathlons as I can until then, I figure i can take notes as to what is working what isn't. my poker dealer theory (poker dealers are good at cards becasue they see everything).
OK, i have to quit patting myself on the back, I have work to do. Catch you on the dark side. Snazzbucket!
i am really excited to start training for a triathlon, i am well aware that I am not ready yet, but I am thinking in a year. i hopefully will weigh about 180-190 and have been running and biking. I am trying to volunteer at as many triathlons as I can until then, I figure i can take notes as to what is working what isn't. my poker dealer theory (poker dealers are good at cards becasue they see everything).
OK, i have to quit patting myself on the back, I have work to do. Catch you on the dark side. Snazzbucket!
Monday, August 9, 2010
August 9th
Its hard to say, but I can swallow the bitterness that is the pill of my last 8 years. Marriage and life. I can now say that Melanie leaving has been the greatest improvement in my life. This is not to say i did not at one point love her, but I had become lethargic and apparently while married to her, would not make the change.
It took her asking me a divorce, grieving, getting angry and the span of a year to get myself right. I still have a long way to go weight wise, mentally and emotionally, but the change is evident. It wasn't the same with Valarie, we married to young, I was too selfish. It has taken some time as an adult to come to grips that I am a selfish being. my weight and nearly all of my emotional problems stem from "How am I going to come out of this?" or "What's in it for me?"
I am down a net 46 pounds (I gained a little this week, cheating - again, the me now theory, and had WAY to much sodium), I should drop like a brick once its out. But it opens my eyes every day I get on the scale to how far I had gone and how much I had given up on myself.
The people around me know I am not done, but instead of being ignored or being thought poorly of like I was in my marital home, I am greeted with words like, you encourage me and keep it up. I cannot tell you what this does for my psyche! I feel amazing. I have not felt this way since before I was married. I felt this way my 29th year. I am regaining it. On an even lighter note, two people who I work with each this week thought my age was 27 or 28, they had no idea I was a full decade ahead of that. Its an awesome feeling that I want to share.
You too can do it, not alone, but it is possible. It really is a one day at a time process. there are a couple of things that I had to do to start making it work:
1) buy a scale. Weigh yourself daily - treat yourself like a machine, you need to know when the machine is failing. A daily weigh in lets you face the reality, reward your success and tweak your habits.
2) Do SOMETHING - 4 months ago, i couldn't do 10 minutes on a treadmill for a stress test, I was riding around the store in a cart. I hurt to move, every 20 steps it was like having a heart attack. What i did to start was just getting out of the cart at the store. then I would go do my own errands instead of sending the boys, soon I was able to walk around the store without breathing funny and hurting to bad, now I am in the gym.
3) Face your fears. It is scary to weigh a lot. It is terrifying that we have wrapped ourselves up and we feel secure behind the facade of our weight. But that is what it is, a facade. Its fake, it hurts to let go, but it is worth it. I feel terrific at 315, imagine 300, 250 and even my goal of 180.
4) Stay off the fads. Just eat fish, chicken, turkey, a little lean red meat and load up on veggies. Know a portion, and use smaller plates. Fad diets only work in the short term, I am on a life journey, not a diet - its about making good choices from this second on. Eat lots of fruit! It is so much better than ice cream.
5) tell someone. this will help your accountability, and maybe you will motivate someone too, that is worth more than any pound i have lost to hear my coworker say, you inspire me. Now if I can get my mother that message.
6) Have a goal. I want to date again, I want to climb, etc. I am not comfortable dating yet, but know that in a few months of hard work, I will and in a little over a year, I will be back in the scene and climbing again.
This is simple, make good choices, forgive yourself. But sometimes you do need outside help and I encourage you to get it, that is my next step. I have some emotional and mental items that confound me I want to solve, solve-not think about.
Anyway, enough self help for now. In closing, Melanie, thank you. It took you throwing away the last 8 years, breaking my heart and ruining me to hit rock bottom. For that, I thank you.
It took her asking me a divorce, grieving, getting angry and the span of a year to get myself right. I still have a long way to go weight wise, mentally and emotionally, but the change is evident. It wasn't the same with Valarie, we married to young, I was too selfish. It has taken some time as an adult to come to grips that I am a selfish being. my weight and nearly all of my emotional problems stem from "How am I going to come out of this?" or "What's in it for me?"
I am down a net 46 pounds (I gained a little this week, cheating - again, the me now theory, and had WAY to much sodium), I should drop like a brick once its out. But it opens my eyes every day I get on the scale to how far I had gone and how much I had given up on myself.
The people around me know I am not done, but instead of being ignored or being thought poorly of like I was in my marital home, I am greeted with words like, you encourage me and keep it up. I cannot tell you what this does for my psyche! I feel amazing. I have not felt this way since before I was married. I felt this way my 29th year. I am regaining it. On an even lighter note, two people who I work with each this week thought my age was 27 or 28, they had no idea I was a full decade ahead of that. Its an awesome feeling that I want to share.
You too can do it, not alone, but it is possible. It really is a one day at a time process. there are a couple of things that I had to do to start making it work:
1) buy a scale. Weigh yourself daily - treat yourself like a machine, you need to know when the machine is failing. A daily weigh in lets you face the reality, reward your success and tweak your habits.
2) Do SOMETHING - 4 months ago, i couldn't do 10 minutes on a treadmill for a stress test, I was riding around the store in a cart. I hurt to move, every 20 steps it was like having a heart attack. What i did to start was just getting out of the cart at the store. then I would go do my own errands instead of sending the boys, soon I was able to walk around the store without breathing funny and hurting to bad, now I am in the gym.
3) Face your fears. It is scary to weigh a lot. It is terrifying that we have wrapped ourselves up and we feel secure behind the facade of our weight. But that is what it is, a facade. Its fake, it hurts to let go, but it is worth it. I feel terrific at 315, imagine 300, 250 and even my goal of 180.
4) Stay off the fads. Just eat fish, chicken, turkey, a little lean red meat and load up on veggies. Know a portion, and use smaller plates. Fad diets only work in the short term, I am on a life journey, not a diet - its about making good choices from this second on. Eat lots of fruit! It is so much better than ice cream.
5) tell someone. this will help your accountability, and maybe you will motivate someone too, that is worth more than any pound i have lost to hear my coworker say, you inspire me. Now if I can get my mother that message.
6) Have a goal. I want to date again, I want to climb, etc. I am not comfortable dating yet, but know that in a few months of hard work, I will and in a little over a year, I will be back in the scene and climbing again.
This is simple, make good choices, forgive yourself. But sometimes you do need outside help and I encourage you to get it, that is my next step. I have some emotional and mental items that confound me I want to solve, solve-not think about.
Anyway, enough self help for now. In closing, Melanie, thank you. It took you throwing away the last 8 years, breaking my heart and ruining me to hit rock bottom. For that, I thank you.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Journey
I feel so much better eating right, losing the weight. I wish I could bottle this up, take it wherever I o. Melanie and I have now been apart about 1 year, technically a little more counting the time we didn't speak or live in the same room while at the house of evil. This sounds bad, and I hope you can understand this but I feel the years I was married to her were a waste of my time.I was very much in love with her from the word go, but other than companionship for a few of those years, I have nothing of value - truly not even a very good lesson learned except for those that have and are coming forth in the divorce. I can't get those nearly 7 years back. I would like to say I am a stronger person, but I am not. I was at my highpoint just before marrying her, and now, I am on the road back but at such a damnable cost, its not worth it.
I bring this up, because as I am getting thinner, I am thinking more and more about companionship. If you haven't read my cousin Wendy' blog, you gotta link over there. She is a couple years older than me, and single and trying to date in San Francisco, she is such a spirit and an entertaining writer, I look forward to her posts about the dating scene, but they also scare me a little.
Internally, due to my poor self image, I do not feel that I bring any value to a relationship so I am scared to even look. I feel I need to drop another 100 pounds before I really start looking, and maybe another 140 total before I can seriously begin dating. I can't see what someone would see in me. Mind you, I have a schedule of losing 10 pounds each month, and based on that schedule I would be ready to really date on September 30th, 2011. I will only be 38 so that is still young enough, right? The diabetes and other health issues have probably knocked a good 15 years off of my life, even getting healthy now, so figure I was going to live to be 80 ish, I can look forward to 27 years of more of this, lol.
14 months, that's a long time. Maybe I can fill it up with writing, painting, etc. But I would kill for a friend, or a companion (other than my loving boys-someday you guys will understand) to go see a movie with, hike with, go get coffee, etc. I do not have a deep connection with anyone on Earth outside of my family. That is no bueno, and it really makes me sad. I don' know how to reverse this, but everyone I have gotten close to male or female, friend or relationship, has hurt me (and I probably have done some hurting too, along the way). So needless to say I am jaded.
OK, this rant has gone on long enough. I know I am going to hear a lot of "hang in there" responses, and I welcome them, but I really am not sure how I can at this point.
: )
PS - Here is the link to my Examiner.com page, please read from time to time, tell a friend and if you know anyone in Vegas that would like to advertise, send them my way. http://www.examiner.com/x-62057-Las-Vegas-Outdoor-Recreation-Examiner
I bring this up, because as I am getting thinner, I am thinking more and more about companionship. If you haven't read my cousin Wendy' blog, you gotta link over there. She is a couple years older than me, and single and trying to date in San Francisco, she is such a spirit and an entertaining writer, I look forward to her posts about the dating scene, but they also scare me a little.
Internally, due to my poor self image, I do not feel that I bring any value to a relationship so I am scared to even look. I feel I need to drop another 100 pounds before I really start looking, and maybe another 140 total before I can seriously begin dating. I can't see what someone would see in me. Mind you, I have a schedule of losing 10 pounds each month, and based on that schedule I would be ready to really date on September 30th, 2011. I will only be 38 so that is still young enough, right? The diabetes and other health issues have probably knocked a good 15 years off of my life, even getting healthy now, so figure I was going to live to be 80 ish, I can look forward to 27 years of more of this, lol.
14 months, that's a long time. Maybe I can fill it up with writing, painting, etc. But I would kill for a friend, or a companion (other than my loving boys-someday you guys will understand) to go see a movie with, hike with, go get coffee, etc. I do not have a deep connection with anyone on Earth outside of my family. That is no bueno, and it really makes me sad. I don' know how to reverse this, but everyone I have gotten close to male or female, friend or relationship, has hurt me (and I probably have done some hurting too, along the way). So needless to say I am jaded.
OK, this rant has gone on long enough. I know I am going to hear a lot of "hang in there" responses, and I welcome them, but I really am not sure how I can at this point.
: )
PS - Here is the link to my Examiner.com page, please read from time to time, tell a friend and if you know anyone in Vegas that would like to advertise, send them my way. http://www.examiner.com/x-62057-Las-Vegas-Outdoor-Recreation-Examiner
Friday, July 30, 2010
July 30
OK, so i have a goal of dropping under 300 by Adams birthday, Sept 15th but I cannot seem to break through 320. I am happy I have come this far, but frustrated at what i need to do to remove this plateau. I have vowed to never see 324 or higher again and I have done well to keep that trhough.
i am going to up the actvity level and see if that helps, I am only at about 1200 calories, so I cant cut any more there. ARGHH, this is so complicated. Ease up on carbs and eat protein for the diet; slow down on protein and eat more carbs for the diabetes. Crap.
i am going to up the actvity level and see if that helps, I am only at about 1200 calories, so I cant cut any more there. ARGHH, this is so complicated. Ease up on carbs and eat protein for the diet; slow down on protein and eat more carbs for the diabetes. Crap.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Holy crap i remembered my account name!
Its been a long time baby since I first got down, and I still keep rocking this brutal town.
So I am winning the war with just a few lost battles (Chinese food for instance tonight). But, its not a diet, its a lifestyle choice - if I chose to eat poorly, I have to moderate my other meals due to the diabetes and weight. So, I went and worked out intensely for a bit tonight and I am loving it.
I started this out in April at 364, this morning I was at 322.5. i will never see 325 again. i had a bad couple of weeks in there when i back slid, but my goal is 299 by 9/15 so send me some love.
Its very hard to know what to eat when you have to worry about spiking your blood sugar. Is that 90 c special K bar OK? How about that turkey sandwich on rye? I am still learning, I do not have a diabetic nutritionist, so its tough. I learn from the Internet and books.
My faith in myself is growing little by little. I just gave up the car and bought a bicycle, I will be biking and busing to work from now on - oh, i will buy a little pick up to drive to Utah and carry a canoe, but for now, lets just get to 250!
Much love my friends.
PS - I start working as a freelance writer for Examiner.com as the Lass Vegas Outdoor Recreation expert. I will let everyone know my page when it is up, i get paid based on the number of visitors and sponsors i can traffic, so tell a friend.
So I am winning the war with just a few lost battles (Chinese food for instance tonight). But, its not a diet, its a lifestyle choice - if I chose to eat poorly, I have to moderate my other meals due to the diabetes and weight. So, I went and worked out intensely for a bit tonight and I am loving it.
I started this out in April at 364, this morning I was at 322.5. i will never see 325 again. i had a bad couple of weeks in there when i back slid, but my goal is 299 by 9/15 so send me some love.
Its very hard to know what to eat when you have to worry about spiking your blood sugar. Is that 90 c special K bar OK? How about that turkey sandwich on rye? I am still learning, I do not have a diabetic nutritionist, so its tough. I learn from the Internet and books.
My faith in myself is growing little by little. I just gave up the car and bought a bicycle, I will be biking and busing to work from now on - oh, i will buy a little pick up to drive to Utah and carry a canoe, but for now, lets just get to 250!
Much love my friends.
PS - I start working as a freelance writer for Examiner.com as the Lass Vegas Outdoor Recreation expert. I will let everyone know my page when it is up, i get paid based on the number of visitors and sponsors i can traffic, so tell a friend.
Monday, June 14, 2010
June 14
Losing weight and learning to change your old, hard habits takes a lot of work and is mind numbing.
Throw into it the arithmetic of health problems like diabetes and it seems as if you’ve imprisoned yourself.
It’s very difficult to break this barrier down and step out of your shame spiral.
Over the last week, I backslid.
I almost didn’t want to post this.
I had gotten down to 330 pounds, a milestone for me (total loss 34 pounds – 2 months) and I let the world get to me.
I went grocery shopping on Thursday and bought a whole lot of good, wholesome foods – but the world got to me.
I ended up eating vey poorly the last 4 days and not one trip to the gym.
I am afraid to get on the scale this week, and in fact, am going to refuse.
I am basing this off of how I feel.
Today, I am hopeful, but I feel miserable health wise, I can actually feel the fast food and Mexican restaurant food on my face and in my pores, I can feel it sitting like a brick in my stomach and I just want to throw up in disgust.
But I won’t.
I will step out of that spiral, and eat rite today, I will also go to the gym after work.
What set me off?
Its important to track down your triggers, and conquer them.
My first step is to identify.
I know I am an emotional eater.
I eat in response to both negative and positive.
This week I had a lot of negative emotion.
I have lived here in Vegas for nearly two years.
Mind you, what I am about to say is whiny, but its where my mind was at.
Alex is back in Utah for the month and I am utterly alone. I am a manager at work with no peers, so I don’t have that traditional friends at work motif that a lot of us grow accustomed to.
I live alone, not even a dog.
Alex will be back, but I felt closed in by how alone I felt, it made me panic.
This led me to my failed marriage.
I went back over all of the anger and hatred and replaced it with sorrow and judgment of myself.
I was very down, lower than I care to really state.
I am a passionate man, and I swing the pendulum of emotion, but I try to keep it in check, the one that seems to get out more and more these days is grumpiness – yes, I am becoming a grumpy old man.
But I digress, so these last four days I felt completely alone in the world, nobody to watch movies with, nobody to talk to.
I do not have a healthy support system down here in Vegas.
So, I turned to my old friend.
Food.
Instantly I felt comforted and disgusted at my self in the same breath.
I wasn’t alone anymore and even if I was who cares?
Look at me, I am disgusting.
Is what I thought.
Nobody wants you, look at Valarie and Melanie, look how much happier they are!
I told, you, I was in a bad way.
So I ate, and because I was ashamed at eating, I went even lower and I ate some more.
Some place last night, as I couldn’t fall asleep, a voice in my head said enough was enough.
I felt bloated and physically sick.
This binge wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but I felt (feel) miserable mentally, physically and mostly spiritually.
Why should I go on?
I am destined to be fat and alone, and the voice stepped in again and slapped me.
Think about others.
It was funny, I had two fortune cookies this weekend, and they both said the same basic thing, if I clean up my act and learn to love myself a new relationship will bloom.
I don’t think this is a relationship with someone else, I think it is finding me.
Somewhere along the way, I need to learn to love myself.
And to do that I need to clean house.
A moral inventory.
Here is who I am today, for better or worse:
A man, a father, an ex-husband, a son, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle.
I am a worker, a liar, a gambler, a recovering addict, a fake.
I am kind, shy, afraid, alone, fat, intelligent, creative, a monster, a teddy bear.
I am cynical, a listener, and I am hopeful.
I lay my soul to the heavens and say take me for good or bad, this is who I am.
I have wronged people, I have helped people and now I have to ask myself, who do I want to be now and moving forward.
I know the answer to that and so do you.
How do I get there?
What changes do I need to make to get there?
I don’t have all of those answers yet, but I do have some answers as to how I can avoid a repeat of this week.
1) Build new relationships / Foster old ones: Get out, be active, join a club or a group or a book club or something, but don’t wait for interaction to come to you – go get it, yes, today even though you re still on your journey, these people are waiting to meet the Mike you want to be.
2) Go to the gym: Try to replace the need to comfort myself with food by even just sitting in the steam room at the gym for fifteen minutes. That is much healthier than McFat Ar$e.
3) Forgive myself these little slips.
I think I am going to be OK.
I hope that if you are reading this and you are struggling, you leave a comment.
I may not be on the same road as you brother, but we are headed in the right direction.
As far as my growth through hobbies goes, I still haven’t settled on something yet.
I feel stalled in m y writing, and I never have been a painter.
I’d like to try photography bit I think Song and Jenny got all of those skills.
I did promise myself 30 minutes of guitar practice each night, that’s going to be good.
But there is still something missing, any ideas?
I am open.
OK, for now I am good, I am refocused and back on track.
I hope you are having a good day too.
Throw into it the arithmetic of health problems like diabetes and it seems as if you’ve imprisoned yourself.
It’s very difficult to break this barrier down and step out of your shame spiral.
Over the last week, I backslid.
I almost didn’t want to post this.
I had gotten down to 330 pounds, a milestone for me (total loss 34 pounds – 2 months) and I let the world get to me.
I went grocery shopping on Thursday and bought a whole lot of good, wholesome foods – but the world got to me.
I ended up eating vey poorly the last 4 days and not one trip to the gym.
I am afraid to get on the scale this week, and in fact, am going to refuse.
I am basing this off of how I feel.
Today, I am hopeful, but I feel miserable health wise, I can actually feel the fast food and Mexican restaurant food on my face and in my pores, I can feel it sitting like a brick in my stomach and I just want to throw up in disgust.
But I won’t.
I will step out of that spiral, and eat rite today, I will also go to the gym after work.
What set me off?
Its important to track down your triggers, and conquer them.
My first step is to identify.
I know I am an emotional eater.
I eat in response to both negative and positive.
This week I had a lot of negative emotion.
I have lived here in Vegas for nearly two years.
Mind you, what I am about to say is whiny, but its where my mind was at.
Alex is back in Utah for the month and I am utterly alone. I am a manager at work with no peers, so I don’t have that traditional friends at work motif that a lot of us grow accustomed to.
I live alone, not even a dog.
Alex will be back, but I felt closed in by how alone I felt, it made me panic.
This led me to my failed marriage.
I went back over all of the anger and hatred and replaced it with sorrow and judgment of myself.
I was very down, lower than I care to really state.
I am a passionate man, and I swing the pendulum of emotion, but I try to keep it in check, the one that seems to get out more and more these days is grumpiness – yes, I am becoming a grumpy old man.
But I digress, so these last four days I felt completely alone in the world, nobody to watch movies with, nobody to talk to.
I do not have a healthy support system down here in Vegas.
So, I turned to my old friend.
Food.
Instantly I felt comforted and disgusted at my self in the same breath.
I wasn’t alone anymore and even if I was who cares?
Look at me, I am disgusting.
Is what I thought.
Nobody wants you, look at Valarie and Melanie, look how much happier they are!
I told, you, I was in a bad way.
So I ate, and because I was ashamed at eating, I went even lower and I ate some more.
Some place last night, as I couldn’t fall asleep, a voice in my head said enough was enough.
I felt bloated and physically sick.
This binge wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but I felt (feel) miserable mentally, physically and mostly spiritually.
Why should I go on?
I am destined to be fat and alone, and the voice stepped in again and slapped me.
Think about others.
It was funny, I had two fortune cookies this weekend, and they both said the same basic thing, if I clean up my act and learn to love myself a new relationship will bloom.
I don’t think this is a relationship with someone else, I think it is finding me.
Somewhere along the way, I need to learn to love myself.
And to do that I need to clean house.
A moral inventory.
Here is who I am today, for better or worse:
A man, a father, an ex-husband, a son, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle.
I am a worker, a liar, a gambler, a recovering addict, a fake.
I am kind, shy, afraid, alone, fat, intelligent, creative, a monster, a teddy bear.
I am cynical, a listener, and I am hopeful.
I lay my soul to the heavens and say take me for good or bad, this is who I am.
I have wronged people, I have helped people and now I have to ask myself, who do I want to be now and moving forward.
I know the answer to that and so do you.
How do I get there?
What changes do I need to make to get there?
I don’t have all of those answers yet, but I do have some answers as to how I can avoid a repeat of this week.
1) Build new relationships / Foster old ones: Get out, be active, join a club or a group or a book club or something, but don’t wait for interaction to come to you – go get it, yes, today even though you re still on your journey, these people are waiting to meet the Mike you want to be.
2) Go to the gym: Try to replace the need to comfort myself with food by even just sitting in the steam room at the gym for fifteen minutes. That is much healthier than McFat Ar$e.
3) Forgive myself these little slips.
I think I am going to be OK.
I hope that if you are reading this and you are struggling, you leave a comment.
I may not be on the same road as you brother, but we are headed in the right direction.
As far as my growth through hobbies goes, I still haven’t settled on something yet.
I feel stalled in m y writing, and I never have been a painter.
I’d like to try photography bit I think Song and Jenny got all of those skills.
I did promise myself 30 minutes of guitar practice each night, that’s going to be good.
But there is still something missing, any ideas?
I am open.
OK, for now I am good, I am refocused and back on track.
I hope you are having a good day too.
June 14
Losing weight and learning to change your old, hard habits takes a lot of work and is mind numbing.
Throw into it the arithmetic of health problems like diabetes and it seems as if you’ve imprisoned yourself.
It’s very difficult to break this barrier down and step out of your shame spiral.
Over the last week, I backslid.
I almost didn’t want to post this.
I had gotten down to 330 pounds, a milestone for me (total loss 34 pounds – 2 months) and I let the world get to me.
I went grocery shopping on Thursday and bought a whole lot of good, wholesome foods – but the world got to me.
I ended up eating vey poorly the last 4 days and not one trip to the gym.
I am afraid to get on the scale this week, and in fact, am going to refuse.
I am basing this off of how I feel.
Today, I am hopeful, but I feel miserable health wise, I can actually feel the fast food and Mexican restaurant food on my face and in my pores, I can feel it sitting like a brick in my stomach and I just want to throw up in disgust.
But I won’t.
I will step out of that spiral, and eat rite today, I will also go to the gym after work.
What set me off?
Its important to track down your triggers, and conquer them.
My first step is to identify.
I know I am an emotional eater.
I eat in response to both negative and positive.
This week I had a lot of negative emotion.
I have lived here in Vegas for nearly two years.
Mind you, what I am about to say is whiny, but its where my mind was at.
Alex is back in Utah for the month and I am utterly alone. I am a manager at work with no peers, so I don’t have that traditional friends at work motif that a lot of us grow accustomed to.
I live alone, not even a dog.
Alex will be back, but I felt closed in by how alone I felt, it made me panic.
This led me to my failed marriage.
I went back over all of the anger and hatred and replaced it with sorrow and judgment of myself.
I was very down, lower than I care to really state.
I am a passionate man, and I swing the pendulum of emotion, but I try to keep it in check, the one that seems to get out more and more these days is grumpiness – yes, I am becoming a grumpy old man.
But I digress, so these last four days I felt completely alone in the world, nobody to watch movies with, nobody to talk to.
I do not have a healthy support system down here in Vegas.
So, I turned to my old friend.
Food.
Instantly I felt comforted and disgusted at my self in the same breath.
I wasn’t alone anymore and even if I was who cares?
Look at me, I am disgusting.
Is what I thought.
Nobody wants you, look at Valarie and Melanie, look how much happier they are!
I told, you, I was in a bad way.
So I ate, and because I was ashamed at eating, I went even lower and I ate some more.
Some place last night, as I couldn’t fall asleep, a voice in my head said enough was enough.
I felt bloated and physically sick.
This binge wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but I felt (feel) miserable mentally, physically and mostly spiritually.
Why should I go on?
I am destined to be fat and alone, and the voice stepped in again and slapped me.
Think about others.
It was funny, I had two fortune cookies this weekend, and they both said the same basic thing, if I clean up my act and learn to love myself a new relationship will bloom.
I don’t think this is a relationship with someone else, I think it is finding me.
Somewhere along the way, I need to learn to love myself.
And to do that I need to clean house.
A moral inventory.
Here is who I am today, for better or worse:
A man, a father, an ex-husband, a son, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle.
I am a worker, a liar, a gambler, a recovering addict, a fake.
I am kind, shy, afraid, alone, fat, intelligent, creative, a monster, a teddy bear.
I am cynical, a listener, and I am hopeful.
I lay my soul to the heavens and say take me for good or bad, this is who I am.
I have wronged people, I have helped people and now I have to ask myself, who do I want to be now and moving forward.
I know the answer to that and so do you.
How do I get there?
What changes do I need to make to get there?
I don’t have all of those answers yet, but I do have some answers as to how I can avoid a repeat of this week.
1) Build new relationships / Foster old ones: Get out, be active, join a club or a group or a book club or something, but don’t wait for interaction to come to you – go get it, yes, today even though you re still on your journey, these people are waiting to meet the Mike you want to be.
2) Go to the gym: Try to replace the need to comfort myself with food by even just sitting in the steam room at the gym for fifteen minutes. That is much healthier than McFat Ar$e.
3) Forgive myself these little slips.
I think I am going to be OK.
I hope that if you are reading this and you are struggling, you leave a comment.
I may not be on the same road as you brother, but we are headed in the right direction.
As far as my growth through hobbies goes, I still haven’t settled on something yet.
I feel stalled in m y writing, and I never have been a painter.
I’d like to try photography bit I think Song and Jenny got all of those skills.
I did promise myself 30 minutes of guitar practice each night, that’s going to be good.
But there is still something missing, any ideas?
I am open.
OK, for now I am good, I am refocused and back on track.
I hope you are having a good day too.
Throw into it the arithmetic of health problems like diabetes and it seems as if you’ve imprisoned yourself.
It’s very difficult to break this barrier down and step out of your shame spiral.
Over the last week, I backslid.
I almost didn’t want to post this.
I had gotten down to 330 pounds, a milestone for me (total loss 34 pounds – 2 months) and I let the world get to me.
I went grocery shopping on Thursday and bought a whole lot of good, wholesome foods – but the world got to me.
I ended up eating vey poorly the last 4 days and not one trip to the gym.
I am afraid to get on the scale this week, and in fact, am going to refuse.
I am basing this off of how I feel.
Today, I am hopeful, but I feel miserable health wise, I can actually feel the fast food and Mexican restaurant food on my face and in my pores, I can feel it sitting like a brick in my stomach and I just want to throw up in disgust.
But I won’t.
I will step out of that spiral, and eat rite today, I will also go to the gym after work.
What set me off?
Its important to track down your triggers, and conquer them.
My first step is to identify.
I know I am an emotional eater.
I eat in response to both negative and positive.
This week I had a lot of negative emotion.
I have lived here in Vegas for nearly two years.
Mind you, what I am about to say is whiny, but its where my mind was at.
Alex is back in Utah for the month and I am utterly alone. I am a manager at work with no peers, so I don’t have that traditional friends at work motif that a lot of us grow accustomed to.
I live alone, not even a dog.
Alex will be back, but I felt closed in by how alone I felt, it made me panic.
This led me to my failed marriage.
I went back over all of the anger and hatred and replaced it with sorrow and judgment of myself.
I was very down, lower than I care to really state.
I am a passionate man, and I swing the pendulum of emotion, but I try to keep it in check, the one that seems to get out more and more these days is grumpiness – yes, I am becoming a grumpy old man.
But I digress, so these last four days I felt completely alone in the world, nobody to watch movies with, nobody to talk to.
I do not have a healthy support system down here in Vegas.
So, I turned to my old friend.
Food.
Instantly I felt comforted and disgusted at my self in the same breath.
I wasn’t alone anymore and even if I was who cares?
Look at me, I am disgusting.
Is what I thought.
Nobody wants you, look at Valarie and Melanie, look how much happier they are!
I told, you, I was in a bad way.
So I ate, and because I was ashamed at eating, I went even lower and I ate some more.
Some place last night, as I couldn’t fall asleep, a voice in my head said enough was enough.
I felt bloated and physically sick.
This binge wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but I felt (feel) miserable mentally, physically and mostly spiritually.
Why should I go on?
I am destined to be fat and alone, and the voice stepped in again and slapped me.
Think about others.
It was funny, I had two fortune cookies this weekend, and they both said the same basic thing, if I clean up my act and learn to love myself a new relationship will bloom.
I don’t think this is a relationship with someone else, I think it is finding me.
Somewhere along the way, I need to learn to love myself.
And to do that I need to clean house.
A moral inventory.
Here is who I am today, for better or worse:
A man, a father, an ex-husband, a son, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle.
I am a worker, a liar, a gambler, a recovering addict, a fake.
I am kind, shy, afraid, alone, fat, intelligent, creative, a monster, a teddy bear.
I am cynical, a listener, and I am hopeful.
I lay my soul to the heavens and say take me for good or bad, this is who I am.
I have wronged people, I have helped people and now I have to ask myself, who do I want to be now and moving forward.
I know the answer to that and so do you.
How do I get there?
What changes do I need to make to get there?
I don’t have all of those answers yet, but I do have some answers as to how I can avoid a repeat of this week.
1) Build new relationships / Foster old ones: Get out, be active, join a club or a group or a book club or something, but don’t wait for interaction to come to you – go get it, yes, today even though you re still on your journey, these people are waiting to meet the Mike you want to be.
2) Go to the gym: Try to replace the need to comfort myself with food by even just sitting in the steam room at the gym for fifteen minutes. That is much healthier than McFat Ar$e.
3) Forgive myself these little slips.
I think I am going to be OK.
I hope that if you are reading this and you are struggling, you leave a comment.
I may not be on the same road as you brother, but we are headed in the right direction.
As far as my growth through hobbies goes, I still haven’t settled on something yet.
I feel stalled in m y writing, and I never have been a painter.
I’d like to try photography bit I think Song and Jenny got all of those skills.
I did promise myself 30 minutes of guitar practice each night, that’s going to be good.
But there is still something missing, any ideas?
I am open.
OK, for now I am good, I am refocused and back on track.
I hope you are having a good day too.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
June 1
20 Days to Litha and I am not sure how I want to celebrate it. i am still missing most of my ritual tools due to a thief. I need a few things first, I guess.
I want to share a story of where I have been, and what should have caused me to start this journey years ago. I was still married to Melanie and we had taken the boys to Lagoon, this was about 4 years ago this summer.
I was doing fine and in my mind felt that i had indeed gained some weight, but was nowhere near as big as my father. We lined up for a ride called the Bat. Its a suspended rollercoaster. As i get to my "seat", a large plastic and cushionoed bar between the legs and a large overhead harness that perhaps nasa has created for space walks, I have no idea of what is to come.
I pull down the harness over my head and realize, hmm, i can't seem to get this to lock. The ride attendant comes to help, and with her pressing and me pulling we still cannot get it to lock, so I had to shamefully get off the ride and see the confusion on my kids faces as to why i was not riding. Later i had to explain that daddy was too fat.
Well, a normal individual would take that as a notice to get into shape. But for us emotional eaters, this is cause to fall into our shame spiral once again. this lasted for a lot of years; I ate, I drank. I gained more weight. I probably gained the last 90 pounds I weigh after that issue.
I realize the long rode back, but then I get small victories like i did today. 4 weeks ago, i could barely go 1 mile on the exercise bike. 3 weeks ago i got it to 2 miles, but it nearly killed me. Today I did 4 miles at an easy pace, took about 20 minutes. But I did 4 miles. i had some in the gas tank still as well. I conquered what i thought I could do. Then a relaxing 10-15 minute sit in the dry sauna.
It was awesome, its these small victories which will keep me going. this weekend, I plan on doing some light hiking at Red Rock. That should be fun, I will post on that then.
See you tomorrow.
I want to share a story of where I have been, and what should have caused me to start this journey years ago. I was still married to Melanie and we had taken the boys to Lagoon, this was about 4 years ago this summer.
I was doing fine and in my mind felt that i had indeed gained some weight, but was nowhere near as big as my father. We lined up for a ride called the Bat. Its a suspended rollercoaster. As i get to my "seat", a large plastic and cushionoed bar between the legs and a large overhead harness that perhaps nasa has created for space walks, I have no idea of what is to come.
I pull down the harness over my head and realize, hmm, i can't seem to get this to lock. The ride attendant comes to help, and with her pressing and me pulling we still cannot get it to lock, so I had to shamefully get off the ride and see the confusion on my kids faces as to why i was not riding. Later i had to explain that daddy was too fat.
Well, a normal individual would take that as a notice to get into shape. But for us emotional eaters, this is cause to fall into our shame spiral once again. this lasted for a lot of years; I ate, I drank. I gained more weight. I probably gained the last 90 pounds I weigh after that issue.
I realize the long rode back, but then I get small victories like i did today. 4 weeks ago, i could barely go 1 mile on the exercise bike. 3 weeks ago i got it to 2 miles, but it nearly killed me. Today I did 4 miles at an easy pace, took about 20 minutes. But I did 4 miles. i had some in the gas tank still as well. I conquered what i thought I could do. Then a relaxing 10-15 minute sit in the dry sauna.
It was awesome, its these small victories which will keep me going. this weekend, I plan on doing some light hiking at Red Rock. That should be fun, I will post on that then.
See you tomorrow.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Memorial Day 2010
I am so despondent right now. I have been working on this new life for about three weeks now and YES I do feel better, I am 30-32 pounds lighter, but I just took a 3 week pic, and other than my new hair color, I look exactly the same.
Being fat sucks really bad. There is so much humiliation for us in the world. It creates a "shame spiral". If you are an emotional eater like I am, this is disaster. Imagine walking into a buffet with your family or friends and seeing the people just stare at you. I am not talking the Golden Corral in WVC, UT - you may be accepted there, but try the same move in the Palms or Planet Hollywood. You can actually hear their thoughts of disgust and jokes.
I can hear my dad right now, it shouldn't matter to you what they think. BUT IT DOES. it makes me feel low, and so i eat more than I wanted, just giving into their jokes. Hell, even being fat and ordering a healthy salad and a diet Coke gives them something to laugh about.
People are cruel, being fat sucks. These are two truths. One major difference I have made is that I have the responsibility to respond to this either in the positive or the negative. I can't ignore it, because it is out there.
SO, I do the best that i can and just remind myself that yes, I am fat, but I am making a change - these other people are idiots, and there is nothing they can do about that. suck it idiots.
Being fat sucks really bad. There is so much humiliation for us in the world. It creates a "shame spiral". If you are an emotional eater like I am, this is disaster. Imagine walking into a buffet with your family or friends and seeing the people just stare at you. I am not talking the Golden Corral in WVC, UT - you may be accepted there, but try the same move in the Palms or Planet Hollywood. You can actually hear their thoughts of disgust and jokes.
I can hear my dad right now, it shouldn't matter to you what they think. BUT IT DOES. it makes me feel low, and so i eat more than I wanted, just giving into their jokes. Hell, even being fat and ordering a healthy salad and a diet Coke gives them something to laugh about.
People are cruel, being fat sucks. These are two truths. One major difference I have made is that I have the responsibility to respond to this either in the positive or the negative. I can't ignore it, because it is out there.
SO, I do the best that i can and just remind myself that yes, I am fat, but I am making a change - these other people are idiots, and there is nothing they can do about that. suck it idiots.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
May 23
Sometimes we can surprise ourselves. For example, last week my morale and attitude were pretty low. I felt a struggle since my diabetes diagnosis and wonder sometimes if all of this is actually worth it. Then, On a whim, i got on my bosses scale and saw 342 pounds. This is a total loss of 23 pounds, and about 13 since my doctor appointment just under a month ago.
Needless to say, this was a surprise, because honestly, I felt I have only been giving 75%. But still with that effort i have lost. So happy and surprised on one side, but a little amazed at what could happen if I gave 100%.
My plan for tomorrow is that I am going to give 100% if not more. I want to see what I can do over the next week or two. Plan on good news : )
Today Alex and i spent some time beginning our new patio garden, its one of the new hobbies I want to try. I only have some herbs and a tomato plant, but its a start. Its been a hectic weekend that we got a lot done the; the majority of the house is clean.
We also went and saw Hot Tub Time Machine. It was hilarious. If you were born around the same time as me, so much in this movie will make you laugh; from the evil ski patrol guy to the soundtrack. Rob Courdry continues to solidify himself as one of the funniest actors. Its vulgar, but worth it, just leave the kids at home.
Needless to say, this was a surprise, because honestly, I felt I have only been giving 75%. But still with that effort i have lost. So happy and surprised on one side, but a little amazed at what could happen if I gave 100%.
My plan for tomorrow is that I am going to give 100% if not more. I want to see what I can do over the next week or two. Plan on good news : )
Today Alex and i spent some time beginning our new patio garden, its one of the new hobbies I want to try. I only have some herbs and a tomato plant, but its a start. Its been a hectic weekend that we got a lot done the; the majority of the house is clean.
We also went and saw Hot Tub Time Machine. It was hilarious. If you were born around the same time as me, so much in this movie will make you laugh; from the evil ski patrol guy to the soundtrack. Rob Courdry continues to solidify himself as one of the funniest actors. Its vulgar, but worth it, just leave the kids at home.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
may 19
I am scared.
I didn’t even know if I should blog this or not.
I guess that is why I have been gone or so long.
It’s been about 4 weeks since my diagnosis of diabetes.
I feel like we have caught it early enough that I can do things to reverse most of the symptoms.
However, I am overwhelmed.
I am tremendously frustrated at my progress.
To be certain, I have lost weight and I am feeling 100 times better, but I am still so large that it disgusts me to look in the mirror.
I have over 170 pounds to lose, that is a whole person!
I am not sure of my weight because I have not been to the doctor, or LVAC with the scale, I am going tonight.
Out of fear, and being overwhelmed, as well as a mild fiduciary need, I have postponed some of my NEEDED doctors tests, regarding my heart.
It costs a lot to be unhealthy, but I believe it’s better than being dead.
Its just another struggle I will have to face along the way, hundreds of dollars a month in healthcare needs.
The fiduciary thing, I can conceptualize, but the realization of the ECG and Stress test scare me out of my wits.
What happens if they tell me I am not supposed to hike or run or bike or climb any more?
Then what?
What is there to live for?
Another of my fears is my own expectation.
Can I do this?
Its more than just words people, it’s not as easy as a poster on the wall or someone saying that I can do this.
If I could do this on my own, I would have never gotten to 362 pounds.
That I certainly CAN do, losing it and getting in health, I am afraid of.
I am not the strongest person in the world, and I have been super down this week.
I have been dragging my chin and have had some really dark thoughts about my life and my future.
Today though, even with all of the negativity, I am choosing to start anew right now, and face these challenges.
I am going to fake it if I have to, until I DO make it.
Go through the motions even if it hurts.
There has to be some way over this hump, and if this is the only way, so be it.
My advice for the day is to not give up on yourself, even if those around you don’t count on your abilities.
I didn’t even know if I should blog this or not.
I guess that is why I have been gone or so long.
It’s been about 4 weeks since my diagnosis of diabetes.
I feel like we have caught it early enough that I can do things to reverse most of the symptoms.
However, I am overwhelmed.
I am tremendously frustrated at my progress.
To be certain, I have lost weight and I am feeling 100 times better, but I am still so large that it disgusts me to look in the mirror.
I have over 170 pounds to lose, that is a whole person!
I am not sure of my weight because I have not been to the doctor, or LVAC with the scale, I am going tonight.
Out of fear, and being overwhelmed, as well as a mild fiduciary need, I have postponed some of my NEEDED doctors tests, regarding my heart.
It costs a lot to be unhealthy, but I believe it’s better than being dead.
Its just another struggle I will have to face along the way, hundreds of dollars a month in healthcare needs.
The fiduciary thing, I can conceptualize, but the realization of the ECG and Stress test scare me out of my wits.
What happens if they tell me I am not supposed to hike or run or bike or climb any more?
Then what?
What is there to live for?
Another of my fears is my own expectation.
Can I do this?
Its more than just words people, it’s not as easy as a poster on the wall or someone saying that I can do this.
If I could do this on my own, I would have never gotten to 362 pounds.
That I certainly CAN do, losing it and getting in health, I am afraid of.
I am not the strongest person in the world, and I have been super down this week.
I have been dragging my chin and have had some really dark thoughts about my life and my future.
Today though, even with all of the negativity, I am choosing to start anew right now, and face these challenges.
I am going to fake it if I have to, until I DO make it.
Go through the motions even if it hurts.
There has to be some way over this hump, and if this is the only way, so be it.
My advice for the day is to not give up on yourself, even if those around you don’t count on your abilities.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
may 12
My goal is to be the best I can be.
If that is me at 250 pounds, 160 pounds, I will still need to learn to be happy in my own skin.
I have certainly learned to appreciate more in this world.
For a certainty, my illnesses have taken years off of my life – The only blessing is that Hildebrand’s seem to live a long time anyway, so maybe that’s not so bad.
It is true that diet, exercise, attitude, mental health and liking myself will add back some, but damage has been done and it is a face I have come to understand in a short time.
I have diabetes, I will always have diabetes.
I have a heart condition, I will always have a heart condition.
But, I believe.
Believe is a strong word, take out the letters “e” and you have blive. Blive by itself doesn’t mean much, but if you take the ‘b’ of and add ‘Ichooseto’ to the front of the word, you get ‘Ichoosetolive’, add a few spaces and finally, ‘I choose to live”. Wow, powerful, all from a belief. I can live with these illnesses and I can rock climb again, I can boat again, I can run again. Impossible.
I have seen the best and worst of man in the last few days. Two men outside, sitting on the curb of a Rebel gas station drinking from their bottles. Shirtless, scruffy, tanned.
Drinking and arguing about where they are going to get work. Along came a child and I couldn’t hear what the child said, but one of the men came to his feet, yelled at the boy to go home and “ask his damn mother, I am busy’. It broke my heart.
This morning, driving through a nasty part of my neighborhood I passed a Muslim woman in full burka, it was beautiful to see, flowing blue fabric. She stood with her child and waited for the bus. You could see the strength in her, defiant even in this nasty part of town – but perhaps she has seen worse.
I want that strength of character. It comes from doing right all the time; that is hard to do, for sure, but we should try. I am going to try, if not for my sake, but for my kids.
Much love today.
If that is me at 250 pounds, 160 pounds, I will still need to learn to be happy in my own skin.
I have certainly learned to appreciate more in this world.
For a certainty, my illnesses have taken years off of my life – The only blessing is that Hildebrand’s seem to live a long time anyway, so maybe that’s not so bad.
It is true that diet, exercise, attitude, mental health and liking myself will add back some, but damage has been done and it is a face I have come to understand in a short time.
I have diabetes, I will always have diabetes.
I have a heart condition, I will always have a heart condition.
But, I believe.
Believe is a strong word, take out the letters “e” and you have blive. Blive by itself doesn’t mean much, but if you take the ‘b’ of and add ‘Ichooseto’ to the front of the word, you get ‘Ichoosetolive’, add a few spaces and finally, ‘I choose to live”. Wow, powerful, all from a belief. I can live with these illnesses and I can rock climb again, I can boat again, I can run again. Impossible.
I have seen the best and worst of man in the last few days. Two men outside, sitting on the curb of a Rebel gas station drinking from their bottles. Shirtless, scruffy, tanned.
Drinking and arguing about where they are going to get work. Along came a child and I couldn’t hear what the child said, but one of the men came to his feet, yelled at the boy to go home and “ask his damn mother, I am busy’. It broke my heart.
This morning, driving through a nasty part of my neighborhood I passed a Muslim woman in full burka, it was beautiful to see, flowing blue fabric. She stood with her child and waited for the bus. You could see the strength in her, defiant even in this nasty part of town – but perhaps she has seen worse.
I want that strength of character. It comes from doing right all the time; that is hard to do, for sure, but we should try. I am going to try, if not for my sake, but for my kids.
Much love today.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
My Mixtape, Part 1
I was driving into work today, sipping my home-made all fruit smoothie (8 oz non-fat milk, 1 whole frozen banana cut, 3 frozen strawberries and 4 mango pieces on blend for 45 seconds.
Mmm Mmmm), thinking about how far I have to go and that this week has been a struggle as I try to find my feet and define this project outside of just a blog about another fatty losing weight.
A song came on the radio called Cannonball by the Breeders (fronted by Kim Deal), which came out circa early nineties.
The song, lyrically made no sense to me (“I know you / You Cuckoo / You cannonball”) at the time, but as I have gotten older it has more meaning to me, but I digress, the silliness of the song is what got me thinking.
A lot of people have impacted my life in so many ways, but there are a very fine handful that have steered me into the man I am and the man I still want to be.
Of course take my kids and parents out of the equation, they have a story yet to be posted, but this one is not about them.
A song has a way of delivering you to a very specific place in time, if it is strong enough, so strong you can feel and smell the emotion and electricity in the air all over again, so much you get goose bumps, like I have now recalling and had this morning when the song came on.
I don’t believe in soul mates or “the one”; I do believe in strong compatibility and though the recent events of my life tell me that even that is a lie, I hold firmly to the fact that even though they never meet, the probability of there being someone out there who is so compatible with you, that it makes your life stronger.
I think I had met and lost this person in my life.
Since her, I have loved tremendously strong, so much that I though my life would end when the relationship did; but none have had the pure raw emotional impact in my life, and so ground-bracingly shook me as Janet Duckworth.
I met Janet first, from afar, we both worked for the City of Salt Lake over a summer long ago – but not together, I was trimming some needled bush at Fairmont park and saw a few girls and guys raking rotten leaves along the fence line.
She was one of them, I pointed her out to my friend James and he knew her from our high school; they were both Juniors while I was a sophomore.
Instantly, I was attracted.
Janet does not have the looks of a runway model; she was more beautiful than that.
She had the plain looks of the girl next-door meets Jane Goodall (another of my fav’s), and the smarts to match (her senior year she was Sterling Scholar Sciences).
Our first day back to school, my junior year, we ended up having a class together, Cultural Anthropology with Mr. Brown.
Her very first words to me were, and I remember them in total to this day, “Weren’t you the dumbass who crashed one of the city trucks?”
Indeed I was that dumbass.
Over the course of the next few weeks, we disagreed over anthropology, literature and music.
Eventually we started hanging out after school s a foursome with James and their friend Kathy (Cathy?) Bills.
This turned into Janet and I hanging out as “friends” more and more alone.
I was falling madly in love with her, as much as any 16 year old knows what love is (despite the current pop trend leading us to believe that 14 year old children should be out hitting that).
Janet and I would sit in her mother’s room watching movies and arguing over music.
I was desperately trying to hang on to my urban cultural vibe, not unlike a certain Rob Van Winkle, while she was into the music of ex-front man of Genesis Peter Gabriel.
I couldn’t stand that crap.
But we would talk well into the night, sneaking drinks of Schnapps (peppermint) or whatever else was around until her mom would come home and realize I was still there and she would politely remind Janet it was time for me to go home.
The defining night of my teenage years, to that point, came on a night like this.
But something different happened.
I had never mentioned to Janet how I cared for he, and of course, she was never going to admit the same; it almost seemed like any foray into “dating” would ruin the friendship and the relationship as a whole, so I stayed back from that.
This night though something happened.
The song Cannonball came on the radio, and we started howling with laughter as we both started singing, “I’ll be the bong / in this reggae song!”.
Janet thought this was the most ridiculous song she had ever heard, but later on it became our anthem, our memory.
It has made its way into a lot of mixes and sits on my iPod to this day.
We had finished of the Schnapps hours ago and were settling into a playful game of tag, for whatever reason, around her house – sobering up, but blaring the music (which was the Breeders, we had it on loop apparently), laughing and running.
Well, I fell.
I rolled over onto my back and next thing I knew dear Penthouse…. just kidding…. next thing I knew, Janet was pinning me to the ground and asking me if I had ever played ten things.
I asked her what the hell that was and she replied I had to name ten things of her choosing or there was to be a penalty.
SO, she chose fruit.
Of I went; Apple, Orange, Grape, Grapefruit, Strawberry, Banana, Blackberry, Blueberry, Kiwi and my mind went blank with one more to go, I fought hard, as I didn’t want this damn penalty she spoke of.
I thought with genius, Tangelo!
This is a real fruit, look it up.
Janet’s reply was that she had never heard of it and I lose.
She lowered her face to mine and pressed her lips against my own.
She was kissing me.
Me?
Yes, the electricity charged thorough me.
I had never been truly kissed before.
I have been kissed since, I have been kissed with desire, with passion, with contempt; I have been kissed hello and goodbye.
The sweetness of this first, fumbling, innocent, short kiss melts my heart every time I think of it; no kiss has EVER measured up to my first kiss when I was 16.
There is more to the story, but I have rambled on for nearly two pages in Word.
I will post some more soon, when I can get past the good thoughts and tell the real story of how this went from there.
I do have a long journey ahead, but the choices I have made, the roads I have travelled have made me, for good or bad.
Now, if you will excuse me I am going to go listen to the greatest hits of my favorite artist, Peter Gabriel, “So”.
Mmm Mmmm), thinking about how far I have to go and that this week has been a struggle as I try to find my feet and define this project outside of just a blog about another fatty losing weight.
A song came on the radio called Cannonball by the Breeders (fronted by Kim Deal), which came out circa early nineties.
The song, lyrically made no sense to me (“I know you / You Cuckoo / You cannonball”) at the time, but as I have gotten older it has more meaning to me, but I digress, the silliness of the song is what got me thinking.
A lot of people have impacted my life in so many ways, but there are a very fine handful that have steered me into the man I am and the man I still want to be.
Of course take my kids and parents out of the equation, they have a story yet to be posted, but this one is not about them.
A song has a way of delivering you to a very specific place in time, if it is strong enough, so strong you can feel and smell the emotion and electricity in the air all over again, so much you get goose bumps, like I have now recalling and had this morning when the song came on.
I don’t believe in soul mates or “the one”; I do believe in strong compatibility and though the recent events of my life tell me that even that is a lie, I hold firmly to the fact that even though they never meet, the probability of there being someone out there who is so compatible with you, that it makes your life stronger.
I think I had met and lost this person in my life.
Since her, I have loved tremendously strong, so much that I though my life would end when the relationship did; but none have had the pure raw emotional impact in my life, and so ground-bracingly shook me as Janet Duckworth.
I met Janet first, from afar, we both worked for the City of Salt Lake over a summer long ago – but not together, I was trimming some needled bush at Fairmont park and saw a few girls and guys raking rotten leaves along the fence line.
She was one of them, I pointed her out to my friend James and he knew her from our high school; they were both Juniors while I was a sophomore.
Instantly, I was attracted.
Janet does not have the looks of a runway model; she was more beautiful than that.
She had the plain looks of the girl next-door meets Jane Goodall (another of my fav’s), and the smarts to match (her senior year she was Sterling Scholar Sciences).
Our first day back to school, my junior year, we ended up having a class together, Cultural Anthropology with Mr. Brown.
Her very first words to me were, and I remember them in total to this day, “Weren’t you the dumbass who crashed one of the city trucks?”
Indeed I was that dumbass.
Over the course of the next few weeks, we disagreed over anthropology, literature and music.
Eventually we started hanging out after school s a foursome with James and their friend Kathy (Cathy?) Bills.
This turned into Janet and I hanging out as “friends” more and more alone.
I was falling madly in love with her, as much as any 16 year old knows what love is (despite the current pop trend leading us to believe that 14 year old children should be out hitting that).
Janet and I would sit in her mother’s room watching movies and arguing over music.
I was desperately trying to hang on to my urban cultural vibe, not unlike a certain Rob Van Winkle, while she was into the music of ex-front man of Genesis Peter Gabriel.
I couldn’t stand that crap.
But we would talk well into the night, sneaking drinks of Schnapps (peppermint) or whatever else was around until her mom would come home and realize I was still there and she would politely remind Janet it was time for me to go home.
The defining night of my teenage years, to that point, came on a night like this.
But something different happened.
I had never mentioned to Janet how I cared for he, and of course, she was never going to admit the same; it almost seemed like any foray into “dating” would ruin the friendship and the relationship as a whole, so I stayed back from that.
This night though something happened.
The song Cannonball came on the radio, and we started howling with laughter as we both started singing, “I’ll be the bong / in this reggae song!”.
Janet thought this was the most ridiculous song she had ever heard, but later on it became our anthem, our memory.
It has made its way into a lot of mixes and sits on my iPod to this day.
We had finished of the Schnapps hours ago and were settling into a playful game of tag, for whatever reason, around her house – sobering up, but blaring the music (which was the Breeders, we had it on loop apparently), laughing and running.
Well, I fell.
I rolled over onto my back and next thing I knew dear Penthouse…. just kidding…. next thing I knew, Janet was pinning me to the ground and asking me if I had ever played ten things.
I asked her what the hell that was and she replied I had to name ten things of her choosing or there was to be a penalty.
SO, she chose fruit.
Of I went; Apple, Orange, Grape, Grapefruit, Strawberry, Banana, Blackberry, Blueberry, Kiwi and my mind went blank with one more to go, I fought hard, as I didn’t want this damn penalty she spoke of.
I thought with genius, Tangelo!
This is a real fruit, look it up.
Janet’s reply was that she had never heard of it and I lose.
She lowered her face to mine and pressed her lips against my own.
She was kissing me.
Me?
Yes, the electricity charged thorough me.
I had never been truly kissed before.
I have been kissed since, I have been kissed with desire, with passion, with contempt; I have been kissed hello and goodbye.
The sweetness of this first, fumbling, innocent, short kiss melts my heart every time I think of it; no kiss has EVER measured up to my first kiss when I was 16.
There is more to the story, but I have rambled on for nearly two pages in Word.
I will post some more soon, when I can get past the good thoughts and tell the real story of how this went from there.
I do have a long journey ahead, but the choices I have made, the roads I have travelled have made me, for good or bad.
Now, if you will excuse me I am going to go listen to the greatest hits of my favorite artist, Peter Gabriel, “So”.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
May 6 - Day 4
I have been doing 'alright' with my diet and exercise. I haven't been to my diabetes lass yet, that's coming soon. Too funny that I get diagnosed and have to wait over month to learn how to live with it. There are some basics I know; lower my carbs, less process food, limit added sugar, increase activity and try to eat at the same time daily.
I mention I am doing OK, nut i still am an emotional/celebratory eater. For example, last night I had plans to go do an easy full body circuit and then come home to a nice piece of salmon and veggies. Well, then I did a triple Lindsey off of the store curb, making sure i could barely walk and of course since it was Cinco de Mayo, that called for enchiladas and chips/salsa. Good job Mike, no wonder I have such a headache today.
I need to step it up; of course, my injury is legit, but that means I have to knock it up a few notches for my eating, to offset my inability for Cardio. Tonight i AM going to go do lower body, I hope! Great workout upper body a few nights ago, still feel it.
Soon, i will be moving to my own website, where I am going to push some marketing tools along as well, watch for it!
I mention I am doing OK, nut i still am an emotional/celebratory eater. For example, last night I had plans to go do an easy full body circuit and then come home to a nice piece of salmon and veggies. Well, then I did a triple Lindsey off of the store curb, making sure i could barely walk and of course since it was Cinco de Mayo, that called for enchiladas and chips/salsa. Good job Mike, no wonder I have such a headache today.
I need to step it up; of course, my injury is legit, but that means I have to knock it up a few notches for my eating, to offset my inability for Cardio. Tonight i AM going to go do lower body, I hope! Great workout upper body a few nights ago, still feel it.
Soon, i will be moving to my own website, where I am going to push some marketing tools along as well, watch for it!
Monday, May 3, 2010
May 3 - Day 1
This blog, as I sat and thought about it last night, is not only about my weight loss; but rather coming to grips with being single as a full fledge adult. I am now a 37-year-old man, father of two, with one becoming a man himself. The rules of living my life are not the same as they were when I met Melanie at 29.
I look at so many of my mentors, family and friends who for one reason or another are alone at my age or older, and they seem so content on the outside (whether or not true, there seems to be a sense of comfort that I cannot comprehend).
All my life I have been taught through previous religious affiliation, television, radio and other media that I am supposed to end up with SOMEONE, or there must be a major problem with me. This pulls me in two directions, something seems fundamentally wrong with that statement, yet at the same time I have been indoctrinated to believe it.
Long story short, this blog is about growth (and loss : ) ), and strength and what inspires me and those that I come in contact with along the way in relation to my weight loss, my health concerns and my struggle to find the ultimate hobby to replace my soul mate.
Basically I am 37 years old and I want to find myself after all these years.
So, for the weight loss, today is day one. I don’t consider what I’m doing as a diet even though it has the extremity of one to me, compared to how I use to eat. I am going to limit my red-meat intake to once each week. Second, I am going to eat fish at least once per week and chicken once as well. I have already been doing well with fruits and veggies, but am going to amp that up as well.
What is gone? As many processed foods as possible (the more hands that touched them the worse off), fast food, added sugars and my favorite, soda.
I am also planning on working out 4 times each week for now. I am too big to commit to anything else, but the ultimate goal is to become triathlon ready (half-iron) and this 4 times a week is not going to cut it. I honestly believe I can safely lose 3 pounds a week through proper diet and exercise. In one year this adds up to 156 pounds, which puts me right at 200 pounds.
I think this is the perfect weight to train for a half-iron, giving me 6 months to ready myself. Now remember, along the way, a lot of my exercises will already be gearing m toward the tri, but the last 6 months will focus me in, including running a sprint level and a couple of 5k’, running will be my weakness.
Over the course of the next few months, I see myself upping to 6 workouts weekly and an active rest day to enjoy Vegas by hiking, rafting, boating, and walking the strip, whatever. I also see trying a plethora of hobby’s; building, painting, writing – you name it.
I hope that something along the way excites me and helps me be the entire package.
And man, I cannot wait to grow the goatee back.
I look at so many of my mentors, family and friends who for one reason or another are alone at my age or older, and they seem so content on the outside (whether or not true, there seems to be a sense of comfort that I cannot comprehend).
All my life I have been taught through previous religious affiliation, television, radio and other media that I am supposed to end up with SOMEONE, or there must be a major problem with me. This pulls me in two directions, something seems fundamentally wrong with that statement, yet at the same time I have been indoctrinated to believe it.
Long story short, this blog is about growth (and loss : ) ), and strength and what inspires me and those that I come in contact with along the way in relation to my weight loss, my health concerns and my struggle to find the ultimate hobby to replace my soul mate.
Basically I am 37 years old and I want to find myself after all these years.
So, for the weight loss, today is day one. I don’t consider what I’m doing as a diet even though it has the extremity of one to me, compared to how I use to eat. I am going to limit my red-meat intake to once each week. Second, I am going to eat fish at least once per week and chicken once as well. I have already been doing well with fruits and veggies, but am going to amp that up as well.
What is gone? As many processed foods as possible (the more hands that touched them the worse off), fast food, added sugars and my favorite, soda.
I am also planning on working out 4 times each week for now. I am too big to commit to anything else, but the ultimate goal is to become triathlon ready (half-iron) and this 4 times a week is not going to cut it. I honestly believe I can safely lose 3 pounds a week through proper diet and exercise. In one year this adds up to 156 pounds, which puts me right at 200 pounds.
I think this is the perfect weight to train for a half-iron, giving me 6 months to ready myself. Now remember, along the way, a lot of my exercises will already be gearing m toward the tri, but the last 6 months will focus me in, including running a sprint level and a couple of 5k’, running will be my weakness.
Over the course of the next few months, I see myself upping to 6 workouts weekly and an active rest day to enjoy Vegas by hiking, rafting, boating, and walking the strip, whatever. I also see trying a plethora of hobby’s; building, painting, writing – you name it.
I hope that something along the way excites me and helps me be the entire package.
And man, I cannot wait to grow the goatee back.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
May 2, 2010 - Day 0
I am blogging because my doctor said it will help me to be held accountable to my health. Here I am 360 pounds and that is the root of all my evil. The cause of all my unhealth. Its funny, I have always held that if i could just lose weight, I would graduate school, make more money, have more friends, etc. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. The point is that the things I want are up to me to go and get whether fat or thin, healthy or not.
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This blog is going to be about my journey to my goal. Now on FB I aimed for running a full Tri. Reality has opened my eyes and MAYBE it can happen, but I do not want to set myself up to fail. So, in November, Nevada hosts the Silverman triathlon which includes a half-Ironman which is a 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike and a 13.1 mile run. This is my goal, to run this Tri. i will blog more about how I am going to do it, but needless to say, the first 6-8 months will be focused on getting y body ready to train for it.
I have to learn to be happy in my own skin, so I did the unthinkable, I shaved my goatee and took my before pic, so be prepared, below is the most horrific picture i have EVER allowed to be published. But its for a good cause. If I can go from being diabetic, asthmatic, heart diseased 360 pound coach potato to a triathlete in a little more than a year, anyone can and this will be my journey blog.
***warning - if you recently ate, have a weak stomach or bladder problems, please do not look at the picture of Michael the Hutt below:
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