June 14

Losing weight and learning to change your old, hard habits takes a lot of work and is mind numbing.

  Throw into it the arithmetic of health problems like diabetes and it seems as if you’ve imprisoned yourself.

  It’s very difficult to break this barrier down and step out of your shame spiral.

 


Over the last week, I backslid.

  I almost didn’t want to post this.

  I had gotten down to 330 pounds, a milestone for me (total loss 34 pounds – 2 months) and I let the world get to me.

  I went grocery shopping on Thursday and bought a whole lot of good, wholesome foods – but the world got to me.

  I ended up eating vey poorly the last 4 days and not one trip to the gym.

 

I am afraid to get on the scale this week, and in fact, am going to refuse.

  I am basing this off of how I feel.

  Today, I am hopeful, but I feel miserable health wise, I can actually feel the fast food and Mexican restaurant food on my face and in my pores, I can feel it sitting like a brick in my stomach and I just want to throw up in disgust.

  But I won’t.

  I will step out of that spiral, and eat rite today, I will also go to the gym after work.

 

What set me off?

  Its important to track down your triggers, and conquer them.

  My first step is to identify.

  I know I am an emotional eater.

  I eat in response to both negative and positive.

  This week I had a lot of negative emotion.

  I have lived here in Vegas for nearly two years.

  Mind you, what I am about to say is whiny, but its where my mind was at.

  Alex is back in Utah for the month and I am utterly alone. I am a manager at work with no peers, so I don’t have that traditional friends at work motif that a lot of us grow accustomed to.

 

I live alone, not even a dog.

  Alex will be back, but I felt closed in by how alone I felt, it made me panic.

  This led me to my failed marriage.

  I went back over all of the anger and hatred and replaced it with sorrow and judgment of myself.

  I was very down, lower than I care to really state.

 

I am a passionate man, and I swing the pendulum of emotion, but I try to keep it in check, the one that seems to get out more and more these days is grumpiness – yes, I am becoming a grumpy old man.

 

But I digress, so these last four days I felt completely alone in the world, nobody to watch movies with, nobody to talk to.

  I do not have a healthy support system down here in Vegas.

  So, I turned to my old friend.

  Food.

  Instantly I felt comforted and disgusted at my self in the same breath.

  I wasn’t alone anymore and even if I was who cares?

  Look at me, I am disgusting.

  Is what I thought.

  Nobody wants you, look at Valarie and Melanie, look how much happier they are!

  

I told, you, I was in a bad way.

  So I ate, and because I was ashamed at eating, I went even lower and I ate some more.

  Some place last night, as I couldn’t fall asleep, a voice in my head said enough was enough.

  I felt bloated and physically sick.

  This binge wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but I felt (feel) miserable mentally, physically and mostly spiritually.

  Why should I go on?

  I am destined to be fat and alone, and the voice stepped in again and slapped me.

  Think about others.

 

It was funny, I had two fortune cookies this weekend, and they both said the same basic thing, if I clean up my act and learn to love myself a new relationship will bloom.

  I don’t think this is a relationship with someone else, I think it is finding me.

  

Somewhere along the way, I need to learn to love myself.

  And to do that I need to clean house.

  A moral inventory.

  Here is who I am today, for better or worse:

 

A man, a father, an ex-husband, a son, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle.

  I am a worker, a liar, a gambler, a recovering addict, a fake.

  I am kind, shy, afraid, alone, fat, intelligent, creative, a monster, a teddy bear.

  I am cynical, a listener, and I am hopeful.

 

I lay my soul to the heavens and say take me for good or bad, this is who I am.

  I have wronged people, I have helped people and now I have to ask myself, who do I want to be now and moving forward.

  I know the answer to that and so do you.

  How do I get there?

  What changes do I need to make to get there?

  I don’t have all of those answers yet, but I do have some answers as to how I can avoid a repeat of this week.

 

1)      Build new relationships / Foster old ones:  Get out, be active, join a club or a group or a book club or something, but don’t wait for interaction to come to you – go get it, yes, today even though you re still on your journey, these people are waiting to meet the Mike you want to be.
2)      Go to the gym:  Try to replace the need to comfort myself with food by even just sitting in the steam room at the gym for fifteen minutes.  That is much healthier than McFat Ar$e.
3)      Forgive myself these little slips. 

I think I am going to be OK.

  I hope that if you are reading this and you are struggling, you leave a comment.

  I may not be on the same road as you brother, but we are headed in the right direction.

 

As far as my growth through hobbies goes, I still haven’t settled on something yet.

  I feel stalled in m y writing, and I never have been a painter.

  I’d like to try photography bit I think Song and Jenny got all of those skills.

  I did promise myself 30 minutes of guitar practice each night, that’s going to be good.

  But there is still something missing, any ideas?

  I am open.

 

OK, for now I am good, I am refocused and back on track.

  I hope you are having a good day too.

June 14

Losing weight and learning to change your old, hard habits takes a lot of work and is mind numbing.

  Throw into it the arithmetic of health problems like diabetes and it seems as if you’ve imprisoned yourself.

  It’s very difficult to break this barrier down and step out of your shame spiral.

 


Over the last week, I backslid.

  I almost didn’t want to post this.

  I had gotten down to 330 pounds, a milestone for me (total loss 34 pounds – 2 months) and I let the world get to me.

  I went grocery shopping on Thursday and bought a whole lot of good, wholesome foods – but the world got to me.

  I ended up eating vey poorly the last 4 days and not one trip to the gym.

 

I am afraid to get on the scale this week, and in fact, am going to refuse.

  I am basing this off of how I feel.

  Today, I am hopeful, but I feel miserable health wise, I can actually feel the fast food and Mexican restaurant food on my face and in my pores, I can feel it sitting like a brick in my stomach and I just want to throw up in disgust.

  But I won’t.

  I will step out of that spiral, and eat rite today, I will also go to the gym after work.

 

What set me off?

  Its important to track down your triggers, and conquer them.

  My first step is to identify.

  I know I am an emotional eater.

  I eat in response to both negative and positive.

  This week I had a lot of negative emotion.

  I have lived here in Vegas for nearly two years.

  Mind you, what I am about to say is whiny, but its where my mind was at.

  Alex is back in Utah for the month and I am utterly alone. I am a manager at work with no peers, so I don’t have that traditional friends at work motif that a lot of us grow accustomed to.

 

I live alone, not even a dog.

  Alex will be back, but I felt closed in by how alone I felt, it made me panic.

  This led me to my failed marriage.

  I went back over all of the anger and hatred and replaced it with sorrow and judgment of myself.

  I was very down, lower than I care to really state.

 

I am a passionate man, and I swing the pendulum of emotion, but I try to keep it in check, the one that seems to get out more and more these days is grumpiness – yes, I am becoming a grumpy old man.

 

But I digress, so these last four days I felt completely alone in the world, nobody to watch movies with, nobody to talk to.

  I do not have a healthy support system down here in Vegas.

  So, I turned to my old friend.

  Food.

  Instantly I felt comforted and disgusted at my self in the same breath.

  I wasn’t alone anymore and even if I was who cares?

  Look at me, I am disgusting.

  Is what I thought.

  Nobody wants you, look at Valarie and Melanie, look how much happier they are!

  

I told, you, I was in a bad way.

  So I ate, and because I was ashamed at eating, I went even lower and I ate some more.

  Some place last night, as I couldn’t fall asleep, a voice in my head said enough was enough.

  I felt bloated and physically sick.

  This binge wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but I felt (feel) miserable mentally, physically and mostly spiritually.

  Why should I go on?

  I am destined to be fat and alone, and the voice stepped in again and slapped me.

  Think about others.

 

It was funny, I had two fortune cookies this weekend, and they both said the same basic thing, if I clean up my act and learn to love myself a new relationship will bloom.

  I don’t think this is a relationship with someone else, I think it is finding me.

  

Somewhere along the way, I need to learn to love myself.

  And to do that I need to clean house.

  A moral inventory.

  Here is who I am today, for better or worse:

 

A man, a father, an ex-husband, a son, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle.

  I am a worker, a liar, a gambler, a recovering addict, a fake.

  I am kind, shy, afraid, alone, fat, intelligent, creative, a monster, a teddy bear.

  I am cynical, a listener, and I am hopeful.

 

I lay my soul to the heavens and say take me for good or bad, this is who I am.

  I have wronged people, I have helped people and now I have to ask myself, who do I want to be now and moving forward.

  I know the answer to that and so do you.

  How do I get there?

  What changes do I need to make to get there?

  I don’t have all of those answers yet, but I do have some answers as to how I can avoid a repeat of this week.

 

1)      Build new relationships / Foster old ones:  Get out, be active, join a club or a group or a book club or something, but don’t wait for interaction to come to you – go get it, yes, today even though you re still on your journey, these people are waiting to meet the Mike you want to be.
2)      Go to the gym:  Try to replace the need to comfort myself with food by even just sitting in the steam room at the gym for fifteen minutes.  That is much healthier than McFat Ar$e.
3)      Forgive myself these little slips. 

I think I am going to be OK.

  I hope that if you are reading this and you are struggling, you leave a comment.

  I may not be on the same road as you brother, but we are headed in the right direction.

 

As far as my growth through hobbies goes, I still haven’t settled on something yet.

  I feel stalled in m y writing, and I never have been a painter.

  I’d like to try photography bit I think Song and Jenny got all of those skills.

  I did promise myself 30 minutes of guitar practice each night, that’s going to be good.

  But there is still something missing, any ideas?

  I am open.

 

OK, for now I am good, I am refocused and back on track.

  I hope you are having a good day too.

June 1

20 Days to Litha and I am not sure how I want to celebrate it. i am still missing most of my ritual tools due to a thief. I need a few things first, I guess.

I want to share a story of where I have been, and what should have caused me to start this journey years ago. I was still married to Melanie and we had taken the boys to Lagoon, this was about 4 years ago this summer.
I was doing fine and in my mind felt that i had indeed gained some weight, but was nowhere near as big as my father. We lined up for a ride called the Bat. Its a suspended rollercoaster. As i get to my "seat", a large plastic and cushionoed bar between the legs and a large overhead harness that perhaps nasa has created for space walks, I have no idea of what is to come.
I pull down the harness over my head and realize, hmm, i can't seem to get this to lock. The ride attendant comes to help, and with her pressing and me pulling we still cannot get it to lock, so I had to shamefully get off the ride and see the confusion on my kids faces as to why i was not riding. Later i had to explain that daddy was too fat.

Well, a normal individual would take that as a notice to get into shape. But for us emotional eaters, this is cause to fall into our shame spiral once again. this lasted for a lot of years; I ate, I drank. I gained more weight. I probably gained the last 90 pounds I weigh after that issue.

I realize the long rode back, but then I get small victories like i did today. 4 weeks ago, i could barely go 1 mile on the exercise bike. 3 weeks ago i got it to 2 miles, but it nearly killed me. Today I did 4 miles at an easy pace, took about 20 minutes. But I did 4 miles. i had some in the gas tank still as well. I conquered what i thought I could do. Then a relaxing 10-15 minute sit in the dry sauna.

It was awesome, its these small victories which will keep me going. this weekend, I plan on doing some light hiking at Red Rock. That should be fun, I will post on that then.

See you tomorrow.