Journey

I feel so much better eating right, losing the weight. I wish I could bottle this up, take it wherever I o. Melanie and I have now been apart about 1 year, technically a little more counting the time we didn't speak or live in the same room while at the house of evil. This sounds bad, and I hope you can understand this but I feel the years I was married to her were a waste of my time.I was very much in love with her from the word go, but other than companionship for a few of those years, I have nothing of value - truly not even a very good lesson learned except for those that have and are coming forth in the divorce. I can't get those nearly 7 years back. I would like to say I am a stronger person, but I am not. I was at my highpoint just before marrying her, and now, I am on the road back but at such a damnable cost, its not worth it.

I bring this up, because as I am getting thinner, I am thinking more and more about companionship. If you haven't read my cousin Wendy' blog, you gotta link over there. She is a couple years older than me, and single and trying to date in San Francisco, she is such a spirit and an entertaining writer, I look forward to her posts about the dating scene, but they also scare me a little.

Internally, due to my poor self image, I do not feel that I bring any value to a relationship so I am scared to even look. I feel I need to drop another 100 pounds before I really start looking, and maybe another 140 total before I can seriously begin dating. I can't see what someone would see in me. Mind you, I have a schedule of losing 10 pounds each month, and based on that schedule I would be ready to really date on September 30th, 2011. I will only be 38 so that is still young enough, right? The diabetes and other health issues have probably knocked a good 15 years off of my life, even getting healthy now, so figure I was going to live to be 80 ish, I can look forward to 27 years of more of this, lol.

14 months, that's a long time. Maybe I can fill it up with writing, painting, etc. But I would kill for a friend, or a companion (other than my loving boys-someday you guys will understand) to go see a movie with, hike with, go get coffee, etc. I do not have a deep connection with anyone on Earth outside of my family. That is no bueno, and it really makes me sad. I don' know how to reverse this, but everyone I have gotten close to male or female, friend or relationship, has hurt me (and I probably have done some hurting too, along the way). So needless to say I am jaded.
OK, this rant has gone on long enough. I know I am going to hear a lot of "hang in there" responses, and I welcome them, but I really am not sure how I can at this point.

: )
PS - Here is the link to my Examiner.com page, please read from time to time, tell a friend and if you know anyone in Vegas that would like to advertise, send them my way. http://www.examiner.com/x-62057-Las-Vegas-Outdoor-Recreation-Examiner

July 30

OK, so i have a goal of dropping under 300 by Adams birthday, Sept 15th but I cannot seem to break through 320. I am happy I have come this far, but frustrated at what i need to do to remove this plateau. I have vowed to never see 324 or higher again and I have done well to keep that trhough.

i am going to up the actvity level and see if that helps, I am only at about 1200 calories, so I cant cut any more there. ARGHH, this is so complicated. Ease up on carbs and eat protein for the diet; slow down on protein and eat more carbs for the diabetes. Crap.

Holy crap i remembered my account name!

Its been a long time baby since I first got down, and I still keep rocking this brutal town.
So I am winning the war with just a few lost battles (Chinese food for instance tonight). But, its not a diet, its a lifestyle choice - if I chose to eat poorly, I have to moderate my other meals due to the diabetes and weight. So, I went and worked out intensely for a bit tonight and I am loving it.

I started this out in April at 364, this morning I was at 322.5. i will never see 325 again. i had a bad couple of weeks in there when i back slid, but my goal is 299 by 9/15 so send me some love.

Its very hard to know what to eat when you have to worry about spiking your blood sugar. Is that 90 c special K bar OK? How about that turkey sandwich on rye? I am still learning, I do not have a diabetic nutritionist, so its tough. I learn from the Internet and books.

My faith in myself is growing little by little. I just gave up the car and bought a bicycle, I will be biking and busing to work from now on - oh, i will buy a little pick up to drive to Utah and carry a canoe, but for now, lets just get to 250!

Much love my friends.

PS - I start working as a freelance writer for Examiner.com as the Lass Vegas Outdoor Recreation expert. I will let everyone know my page when it is up, i get paid based on the number of visitors and sponsors i can traffic, so tell a friend.