Journey

I feel so much better eating right, losing the weight. I wish I could bottle this up, take it wherever I o. Melanie and I have now been apart about 1 year, technically a little more counting the time we didn't speak or live in the same room while at the house of evil. This sounds bad, and I hope you can understand this but I feel the years I was married to her were a waste of my time.I was very much in love with her from the word go, but other than companionship for a few of those years, I have nothing of value - truly not even a very good lesson learned except for those that have and are coming forth in the divorce. I can't get those nearly 7 years back. I would like to say I am a stronger person, but I am not. I was at my highpoint just before marrying her, and now, I am on the road back but at such a damnable cost, its not worth it.

I bring this up, because as I am getting thinner, I am thinking more and more about companionship. If you haven't read my cousin Wendy' blog, you gotta link over there. She is a couple years older than me, and single and trying to date in San Francisco, she is such a spirit and an entertaining writer, I look forward to her posts about the dating scene, but they also scare me a little.

Internally, due to my poor self image, I do not feel that I bring any value to a relationship so I am scared to even look. I feel I need to drop another 100 pounds before I really start looking, and maybe another 140 total before I can seriously begin dating. I can't see what someone would see in me. Mind you, I have a schedule of losing 10 pounds each month, and based on that schedule I would be ready to really date on September 30th, 2011. I will only be 38 so that is still young enough, right? The diabetes and other health issues have probably knocked a good 15 years off of my life, even getting healthy now, so figure I was going to live to be 80 ish, I can look forward to 27 years of more of this, lol.

14 months, that's a long time. Maybe I can fill it up with writing, painting, etc. But I would kill for a friend, or a companion (other than my loving boys-someday you guys will understand) to go see a movie with, hike with, go get coffee, etc. I do not have a deep connection with anyone on Earth outside of my family. That is no bueno, and it really makes me sad. I don' know how to reverse this, but everyone I have gotten close to male or female, friend or relationship, has hurt me (and I probably have done some hurting too, along the way). So needless to say I am jaded.
OK, this rant has gone on long enough. I know I am going to hear a lot of "hang in there" responses, and I welcome them, but I really am not sure how I can at this point.

: )
PS - Here is the link to my Examiner.com page, please read from time to time, tell a friend and if you know anyone in Vegas that would like to advertise, send them my way. http://www.examiner.com/x-62057-Las-Vegas-Outdoor-Recreation-Examiner