August 9th

Its hard to say, but I can swallow the bitterness that is the pill of my last 8 years. Marriage and life. I can now say that Melanie leaving has been the greatest improvement in my life. This is not to say i did not at one point love her, but I had become lethargic and apparently while married to her, would not make the change.

It took her asking me a divorce, grieving, getting angry and the span of a year to get myself right. I still have a long way to go weight wise, mentally and emotionally, but the change is evident. It wasn't the same with Valarie, we married to young, I was too selfish. It has taken some time as an adult to come to grips that I am a selfish being. my weight and nearly all of my emotional problems stem from "How am I going to come out of this?" or "What's in it for me?"

I am down a net 46 pounds (I gained a little this week, cheating - again, the me now theory, and had WAY to much sodium), I should drop like a brick once its out. But it opens my eyes every day I get on the scale to how far I had gone and how much I had given up on myself.

The people around me know I am not done, but instead of being ignored or being thought poorly of like I was in my marital home, I am greeted with words like, you encourage me and keep it up. I cannot tell you what this does for my psyche! I feel amazing. I have not felt this way since before I was married. I felt this way my 29th year. I am regaining it. On an even lighter note, two people who I work with each this week thought my age was 27 or 28, they had no idea I was a full decade ahead of that. Its an awesome feeling that I want to share.

You too can do it, not alone, but it is possible. It really is a one day at a time process. there are a couple of things that I had to do to start making it work:
1) buy a scale. Weigh yourself daily - treat yourself like a machine, you need to know when the machine is failing. A daily weigh in lets you face the reality, reward your success and tweak your habits.
2) Do SOMETHING - 4 months ago, i couldn't do 10 minutes on a treadmill for a stress test, I was riding around the store in a cart. I hurt to move, every 20 steps it was like having a heart attack. What i did to start was just getting out of the cart at the store. then I would go do my own errands instead of sending the boys, soon I was able to walk around the store without breathing funny and hurting to bad, now I am in the gym.
3) Face your fears. It is scary to weigh a lot. It is terrifying that we have wrapped ourselves up and we feel secure behind the facade of our weight. But that is what it is, a facade. Its fake, it hurts to let go, but it is worth it. I feel terrific at 315, imagine 300, 250 and even my goal of 180.
4) Stay off the fads. Just eat fish, chicken, turkey, a little lean red meat and load up on veggies. Know a portion, and use smaller plates. Fad diets only work in the short term, I am on a life journey, not a diet - its about making good choices from this second on. Eat lots of fruit! It is so much better than ice cream.
5) tell someone. this will help your accountability, and maybe you will motivate someone too, that is worth more than any pound i have lost to hear my coworker say, you inspire me. Now if I can get my mother that message.
6) Have a goal. I want to date again, I want to climb, etc. I am not comfortable dating yet, but know that in a few months of hard work, I will and in a little over a year, I will be back in the scene and climbing again.

This is simple, make good choices, forgive yourself. But sometimes you do need outside help and I encourage you to get it, that is my next step. I have some emotional and mental items that confound me I want to solve, solve-not think about.

Anyway, enough self help for now. In closing, Melanie, thank you. It took you throwing away the last 8 years, breaking my heart and ruining me to hit rock bottom. For that, I thank you.