may 19

I am scared.

  I didn’t even know if I should blog this or not.

  I guess that is why I have been gone or so long.

  It’s been about 4 weeks since my diagnosis of diabetes.

  I feel like we have caught it early enough that I can do things to reverse most of the symptoms.

   However, I am overwhelmed.

 I am tremendously frustrated at my progress.

  To be certain, I have lost weight and I am feeling 100 times better, but I am still so large that it disgusts me to look in the mirror.

   I have over 170 pounds to lose, that is a whole person!

  I am not sure of my weight because I have not been to the doctor, or LVAC with the scale, I am going tonight.

Out of fear, and being overwhelmed, as well as a mild fiduciary need, I have postponed some of my NEEDED doctors tests, regarding my heart.

  It costs a lot to be unhealthy, but I believe it’s better than being dead.

  Its just another struggle I will have to face along the way, hundreds of dollars a month in healthcare needs.

The fiduciary thing, I can conceptualize, but the realization of the ECG and Stress test scare me out of my wits.

  What happens if they tell me I am not supposed to hike or run or bike or climb any more?

  Then what?

  What is there to live for?

 Another of my fears is my own expectation.

  Can I do this?

  Its more than just words people, it’s not as easy as a poster on the wall or someone saying that I can do this.

  If I could do this on my own, I would have never gotten to 362 pounds.

  That I certainly CAN do, losing it and getting in health, I am afraid of.

I am not the strongest person in the world, and I have been super down this week.

  I have been dragging my chin and have had some really dark thoughts about my life and my future.

  Today though, even with all of the negativity, I am choosing to start anew right now, and face these challenges.

  I am going to fake it if I have to, until I DO make it.

  Go through the motions even if it hurts.

  There has to be some way over this hump, and if this is the only way, so be it.

My advice for the day is to not give up on yourself, even if those around you don’t count on your abilities.