Losing weight and learning to change your old, hard habits takes a lot of work and is mind numbing.
Throw into it the arithmetic of health problems like diabetes and it seems as if you’ve imprisoned yourself.
It’s very difficult to break this barrier down and step out of your shame spiral.
Over the last week, I backslid.
I almost didn’t want to post this.
I had gotten down to 330 pounds, a milestone for me (total loss 34 pounds – 2 months) and I let the world get to me.
I went grocery shopping on Thursday and bought a whole lot of good, wholesome foods – but the world got to me.
I ended up eating vey poorly the last 4 days and not one trip to the gym.
I am afraid to get on the scale this week, and in fact, am going to refuse.
I am basing this off of how I feel.
Today, I am hopeful, but I feel miserable health wise, I can actually feel the fast food and Mexican restaurant food on my face and in my pores, I can feel it sitting like a brick in my stomach and I just want to throw up in disgust.
But I won’t.
I will step out of that spiral, and eat rite today, I will also go to the gym after work.
What set me off?
Its important to track down your triggers, and conquer them.
My first step is to identify.
I know I am an emotional eater.
I eat in response to both negative and positive.
This week I had a lot of negative emotion.
I have lived here in Vegas for nearly two years.
Mind you, what I am about to say is whiny, but its where my mind was at.
Alex is back in Utah for the month and I am utterly alone. I am a manager at work with no peers, so I don’t have that traditional friends at work motif that a lot of us grow accustomed to.
I live alone, not even a dog.
Alex will be back, but I felt closed in by how alone I felt, it made me panic.
This led me to my failed marriage.
I went back over all of the anger and hatred and replaced it with sorrow and judgment of myself.
I was very down, lower than I care to really state.
I am a passionate man, and I swing the pendulum of emotion, but I try to keep it in check, the one that seems to get out more and more these days is grumpiness – yes, I am becoming a grumpy old man.
But I digress, so these last four days I felt completely alone in the world, nobody to watch movies with, nobody to talk to.
I do not have a healthy support system down here in Vegas.
So, I turned to my old friend.
Food.
Instantly I felt comforted and disgusted at my self in the same breath.
I wasn’t alone anymore and even if I was who cares?
Look at me, I am disgusting.
Is what I thought.
Nobody wants you, look at Valarie and Melanie, look how much happier they are!
I told, you, I was in a bad way.
So I ate, and because I was ashamed at eating, I went even lower and I ate some more.
Some place last night, as I couldn’t fall asleep, a voice in my head said enough was enough.
I felt bloated and physically sick.
This binge wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but I felt (feel) miserable mentally, physically and mostly spiritually.
Why should I go on?
I am destined to be fat and alone, and the voice stepped in again and slapped me.
Think about others.
It was funny, I had two fortune cookies this weekend, and they both said the same basic thing, if I clean up my act and learn to love myself a new relationship will bloom.
I don’t think this is a relationship with someone else, I think it is finding me.
Somewhere along the way, I need to learn to love myself.
And to do that I need to clean house.
A moral inventory.
Here is who I am today, for better or worse:
A man, a father, an ex-husband, a son, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle.
I am a worker, a liar, a gambler, a recovering addict, a fake.
I am kind, shy, afraid, alone, fat, intelligent, creative, a monster, a teddy bear.
I am cynical, a listener, and I am hopeful.
I lay my soul to the heavens and say take me for good or bad, this is who I am.
I have wronged people, I have helped people and now I have to ask myself, who do I want to be now and moving forward.
I know the answer to that and so do you.
How do I get there?
What changes do I need to make to get there?
I don’t have all of those answers yet, but I do have some answers as to how I can avoid a repeat of this week.
1) Build new relationships / Foster old ones: Get out, be active, join a club or a group or a book club or something, but don’t wait for interaction to come to you – go get it, yes, today even though you re still on your journey, these people are waiting to meet the Mike you want to be.
2) Go to the gym: Try to replace the need to comfort myself with food by even just sitting in the steam room at the gym for fifteen minutes. That is much healthier than McFat Ar$e.
3) Forgive myself these little slips.
I think I am going to be OK.
I hope that if you are reading this and you are struggling, you leave a comment.
I may not be on the same road as you brother, but we are headed in the right direction.
As far as my growth through hobbies goes, I still haven’t settled on something yet.
I feel stalled in m y writing, and I never have been a painter.
I’d like to try photography bit I think Song and Jenny got all of those skills.
I did promise myself 30 minutes of guitar practice each night, that’s going to be good.
But there is still something missing, any ideas?
I am open.
OK, for now I am good, I am refocused and back on track.
I hope you are having a good day too.
Monday, June 14, 2010
June 14
Losing weight and learning to change your old, hard habits takes a lot of work and is mind numbing.
Throw into it the arithmetic of health problems like diabetes and it seems as if you’ve imprisoned yourself.
It’s very difficult to break this barrier down and step out of your shame spiral.
Over the last week, I backslid.
I almost didn’t want to post this.
I had gotten down to 330 pounds, a milestone for me (total loss 34 pounds – 2 months) and I let the world get to me.
I went grocery shopping on Thursday and bought a whole lot of good, wholesome foods – but the world got to me.
I ended up eating vey poorly the last 4 days and not one trip to the gym.
I am afraid to get on the scale this week, and in fact, am going to refuse.
I am basing this off of how I feel.
Today, I am hopeful, but I feel miserable health wise, I can actually feel the fast food and Mexican restaurant food on my face and in my pores, I can feel it sitting like a brick in my stomach and I just want to throw up in disgust.
But I won’t.
I will step out of that spiral, and eat rite today, I will also go to the gym after work.
What set me off?
Its important to track down your triggers, and conquer them.
My first step is to identify.
I know I am an emotional eater.
I eat in response to both negative and positive.
This week I had a lot of negative emotion.
I have lived here in Vegas for nearly two years.
Mind you, what I am about to say is whiny, but its where my mind was at.
Alex is back in Utah for the month and I am utterly alone. I am a manager at work with no peers, so I don’t have that traditional friends at work motif that a lot of us grow accustomed to.
I live alone, not even a dog.
Alex will be back, but I felt closed in by how alone I felt, it made me panic.
This led me to my failed marriage.
I went back over all of the anger and hatred and replaced it with sorrow and judgment of myself.
I was very down, lower than I care to really state.
I am a passionate man, and I swing the pendulum of emotion, but I try to keep it in check, the one that seems to get out more and more these days is grumpiness – yes, I am becoming a grumpy old man.
But I digress, so these last four days I felt completely alone in the world, nobody to watch movies with, nobody to talk to.
I do not have a healthy support system down here in Vegas.
So, I turned to my old friend.
Food.
Instantly I felt comforted and disgusted at my self in the same breath.
I wasn’t alone anymore and even if I was who cares?
Look at me, I am disgusting.
Is what I thought.
Nobody wants you, look at Valarie and Melanie, look how much happier they are!
I told, you, I was in a bad way.
So I ate, and because I was ashamed at eating, I went even lower and I ate some more.
Some place last night, as I couldn’t fall asleep, a voice in my head said enough was enough.
I felt bloated and physically sick.
This binge wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but I felt (feel) miserable mentally, physically and mostly spiritually.
Why should I go on?
I am destined to be fat and alone, and the voice stepped in again and slapped me.
Think about others.
It was funny, I had two fortune cookies this weekend, and they both said the same basic thing, if I clean up my act and learn to love myself a new relationship will bloom.
I don’t think this is a relationship with someone else, I think it is finding me.
Somewhere along the way, I need to learn to love myself.
And to do that I need to clean house.
A moral inventory.
Here is who I am today, for better or worse:
A man, a father, an ex-husband, a son, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle.
I am a worker, a liar, a gambler, a recovering addict, a fake.
I am kind, shy, afraid, alone, fat, intelligent, creative, a monster, a teddy bear.
I am cynical, a listener, and I am hopeful.
I lay my soul to the heavens and say take me for good or bad, this is who I am.
I have wronged people, I have helped people and now I have to ask myself, who do I want to be now and moving forward.
I know the answer to that and so do you.
How do I get there?
What changes do I need to make to get there?
I don’t have all of those answers yet, but I do have some answers as to how I can avoid a repeat of this week.
1) Build new relationships / Foster old ones: Get out, be active, join a club or a group or a book club or something, but don’t wait for interaction to come to you – go get it, yes, today even though you re still on your journey, these people are waiting to meet the Mike you want to be.
2) Go to the gym: Try to replace the need to comfort myself with food by even just sitting in the steam room at the gym for fifteen minutes. That is much healthier than McFat Ar$e.
3) Forgive myself these little slips.
I think I am going to be OK.
I hope that if you are reading this and you are struggling, you leave a comment.
I may not be on the same road as you brother, but we are headed in the right direction.
As far as my growth through hobbies goes, I still haven’t settled on something yet.
I feel stalled in m y writing, and I never have been a painter.
I’d like to try photography bit I think Song and Jenny got all of those skills.
I did promise myself 30 minutes of guitar practice each night, that’s going to be good.
But there is still something missing, any ideas?
I am open.
OK, for now I am good, I am refocused and back on track.
I hope you are having a good day too.
Throw into it the arithmetic of health problems like diabetes and it seems as if you’ve imprisoned yourself.
It’s very difficult to break this barrier down and step out of your shame spiral.
Over the last week, I backslid.
I almost didn’t want to post this.
I had gotten down to 330 pounds, a milestone for me (total loss 34 pounds – 2 months) and I let the world get to me.
I went grocery shopping on Thursday and bought a whole lot of good, wholesome foods – but the world got to me.
I ended up eating vey poorly the last 4 days and not one trip to the gym.
I am afraid to get on the scale this week, and in fact, am going to refuse.
I am basing this off of how I feel.
Today, I am hopeful, but I feel miserable health wise, I can actually feel the fast food and Mexican restaurant food on my face and in my pores, I can feel it sitting like a brick in my stomach and I just want to throw up in disgust.
But I won’t.
I will step out of that spiral, and eat rite today, I will also go to the gym after work.
What set me off?
Its important to track down your triggers, and conquer them.
My first step is to identify.
I know I am an emotional eater.
I eat in response to both negative and positive.
This week I had a lot of negative emotion.
I have lived here in Vegas for nearly two years.
Mind you, what I am about to say is whiny, but its where my mind was at.
Alex is back in Utah for the month and I am utterly alone. I am a manager at work with no peers, so I don’t have that traditional friends at work motif that a lot of us grow accustomed to.
I live alone, not even a dog.
Alex will be back, but I felt closed in by how alone I felt, it made me panic.
This led me to my failed marriage.
I went back over all of the anger and hatred and replaced it with sorrow and judgment of myself.
I was very down, lower than I care to really state.
I am a passionate man, and I swing the pendulum of emotion, but I try to keep it in check, the one that seems to get out more and more these days is grumpiness – yes, I am becoming a grumpy old man.
But I digress, so these last four days I felt completely alone in the world, nobody to watch movies with, nobody to talk to.
I do not have a healthy support system down here in Vegas.
So, I turned to my old friend.
Food.
Instantly I felt comforted and disgusted at my self in the same breath.
I wasn’t alone anymore and even if I was who cares?
Look at me, I am disgusting.
Is what I thought.
Nobody wants you, look at Valarie and Melanie, look how much happier they are!
I told, you, I was in a bad way.
So I ate, and because I was ashamed at eating, I went even lower and I ate some more.
Some place last night, as I couldn’t fall asleep, a voice in my head said enough was enough.
I felt bloated and physically sick.
This binge wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but I felt (feel) miserable mentally, physically and mostly spiritually.
Why should I go on?
I am destined to be fat and alone, and the voice stepped in again and slapped me.
Think about others.
It was funny, I had two fortune cookies this weekend, and they both said the same basic thing, if I clean up my act and learn to love myself a new relationship will bloom.
I don’t think this is a relationship with someone else, I think it is finding me.
Somewhere along the way, I need to learn to love myself.
And to do that I need to clean house.
A moral inventory.
Here is who I am today, for better or worse:
A man, a father, an ex-husband, a son, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle.
I am a worker, a liar, a gambler, a recovering addict, a fake.
I am kind, shy, afraid, alone, fat, intelligent, creative, a monster, a teddy bear.
I am cynical, a listener, and I am hopeful.
I lay my soul to the heavens and say take me for good or bad, this is who I am.
I have wronged people, I have helped people and now I have to ask myself, who do I want to be now and moving forward.
I know the answer to that and so do you.
How do I get there?
What changes do I need to make to get there?
I don’t have all of those answers yet, but I do have some answers as to how I can avoid a repeat of this week.
1) Build new relationships / Foster old ones: Get out, be active, join a club or a group or a book club or something, but don’t wait for interaction to come to you – go get it, yes, today even though you re still on your journey, these people are waiting to meet the Mike you want to be.
2) Go to the gym: Try to replace the need to comfort myself with food by even just sitting in the steam room at the gym for fifteen minutes. That is much healthier than McFat Ar$e.
3) Forgive myself these little slips.
I think I am going to be OK.
I hope that if you are reading this and you are struggling, you leave a comment.
I may not be on the same road as you brother, but we are headed in the right direction.
As far as my growth through hobbies goes, I still haven’t settled on something yet.
I feel stalled in m y writing, and I never have been a painter.
I’d like to try photography bit I think Song and Jenny got all of those skills.
I did promise myself 30 minutes of guitar practice each night, that’s going to be good.
But there is still something missing, any ideas?
I am open.
OK, for now I am good, I am refocused and back on track.
I hope you are having a good day too.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
June 1
20 Days to Litha and I am not sure how I want to celebrate it. i am still missing most of my ritual tools due to a thief. I need a few things first, I guess.
I want to share a story of where I have been, and what should have caused me to start this journey years ago. I was still married to Melanie and we had taken the boys to Lagoon, this was about 4 years ago this summer.
I was doing fine and in my mind felt that i had indeed gained some weight, but was nowhere near as big as my father. We lined up for a ride called the Bat. Its a suspended rollercoaster. As i get to my "seat", a large plastic and cushionoed bar between the legs and a large overhead harness that perhaps nasa has created for space walks, I have no idea of what is to come.
I pull down the harness over my head and realize, hmm, i can't seem to get this to lock. The ride attendant comes to help, and with her pressing and me pulling we still cannot get it to lock, so I had to shamefully get off the ride and see the confusion on my kids faces as to why i was not riding. Later i had to explain that daddy was too fat.
Well, a normal individual would take that as a notice to get into shape. But for us emotional eaters, this is cause to fall into our shame spiral once again. this lasted for a lot of years; I ate, I drank. I gained more weight. I probably gained the last 90 pounds I weigh after that issue.
I realize the long rode back, but then I get small victories like i did today. 4 weeks ago, i could barely go 1 mile on the exercise bike. 3 weeks ago i got it to 2 miles, but it nearly killed me. Today I did 4 miles at an easy pace, took about 20 minutes. But I did 4 miles. i had some in the gas tank still as well. I conquered what i thought I could do. Then a relaxing 10-15 minute sit in the dry sauna.
It was awesome, its these small victories which will keep me going. this weekend, I plan on doing some light hiking at Red Rock. That should be fun, I will post on that then.
See you tomorrow.
I want to share a story of where I have been, and what should have caused me to start this journey years ago. I was still married to Melanie and we had taken the boys to Lagoon, this was about 4 years ago this summer.
I was doing fine and in my mind felt that i had indeed gained some weight, but was nowhere near as big as my father. We lined up for a ride called the Bat. Its a suspended rollercoaster. As i get to my "seat", a large plastic and cushionoed bar between the legs and a large overhead harness that perhaps nasa has created for space walks, I have no idea of what is to come.
I pull down the harness over my head and realize, hmm, i can't seem to get this to lock. The ride attendant comes to help, and with her pressing and me pulling we still cannot get it to lock, so I had to shamefully get off the ride and see the confusion on my kids faces as to why i was not riding. Later i had to explain that daddy was too fat.
Well, a normal individual would take that as a notice to get into shape. But for us emotional eaters, this is cause to fall into our shame spiral once again. this lasted for a lot of years; I ate, I drank. I gained more weight. I probably gained the last 90 pounds I weigh after that issue.
I realize the long rode back, but then I get small victories like i did today. 4 weeks ago, i could barely go 1 mile on the exercise bike. 3 weeks ago i got it to 2 miles, but it nearly killed me. Today I did 4 miles at an easy pace, took about 20 minutes. But I did 4 miles. i had some in the gas tank still as well. I conquered what i thought I could do. Then a relaxing 10-15 minute sit in the dry sauna.
It was awesome, its these small victories which will keep me going. this weekend, I plan on doing some light hiking at Red Rock. That should be fun, I will post on that then.
See you tomorrow.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Memorial Day 2010
I am so despondent right now. I have been working on this new life for about three weeks now and YES I do feel better, I am 30-32 pounds lighter, but I just took a 3 week pic, and other than my new hair color, I look exactly the same.
Being fat sucks really bad. There is so much humiliation for us in the world. It creates a "shame spiral". If you are an emotional eater like I am, this is disaster. Imagine walking into a buffet with your family or friends and seeing the people just stare at you. I am not talking the Golden Corral in WVC, UT - you may be accepted there, but try the same move in the Palms or Planet Hollywood. You can actually hear their thoughts of disgust and jokes.
I can hear my dad right now, it shouldn't matter to you what they think. BUT IT DOES. it makes me feel low, and so i eat more than I wanted, just giving into their jokes. Hell, even being fat and ordering a healthy salad and a diet Coke gives them something to laugh about.
People are cruel, being fat sucks. These are two truths. One major difference I have made is that I have the responsibility to respond to this either in the positive or the negative. I can't ignore it, because it is out there.
SO, I do the best that i can and just remind myself that yes, I am fat, but I am making a change - these other people are idiots, and there is nothing they can do about that. suck it idiots.
Being fat sucks really bad. There is so much humiliation for us in the world. It creates a "shame spiral". If you are an emotional eater like I am, this is disaster. Imagine walking into a buffet with your family or friends and seeing the people just stare at you. I am not talking the Golden Corral in WVC, UT - you may be accepted there, but try the same move in the Palms or Planet Hollywood. You can actually hear their thoughts of disgust and jokes.
I can hear my dad right now, it shouldn't matter to you what they think. BUT IT DOES. it makes me feel low, and so i eat more than I wanted, just giving into their jokes. Hell, even being fat and ordering a healthy salad and a diet Coke gives them something to laugh about.
People are cruel, being fat sucks. These are two truths. One major difference I have made is that I have the responsibility to respond to this either in the positive or the negative. I can't ignore it, because it is out there.
SO, I do the best that i can and just remind myself that yes, I am fat, but I am making a change - these other people are idiots, and there is nothing they can do about that. suck it idiots.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
May 23
Sometimes we can surprise ourselves. For example, last week my morale and attitude were pretty low. I felt a struggle since my diabetes diagnosis and wonder sometimes if all of this is actually worth it. Then, On a whim, i got on my bosses scale and saw 342 pounds. This is a total loss of 23 pounds, and about 13 since my doctor appointment just under a month ago.
Needless to say, this was a surprise, because honestly, I felt I have only been giving 75%. But still with that effort i have lost. So happy and surprised on one side, but a little amazed at what could happen if I gave 100%.
My plan for tomorrow is that I am going to give 100% if not more. I want to see what I can do over the next week or two. Plan on good news : )
Today Alex and i spent some time beginning our new patio garden, its one of the new hobbies I want to try. I only have some herbs and a tomato plant, but its a start. Its been a hectic weekend that we got a lot done the; the majority of the house is clean.
We also went and saw Hot Tub Time Machine. It was hilarious. If you were born around the same time as me, so much in this movie will make you laugh; from the evil ski patrol guy to the soundtrack. Rob Courdry continues to solidify himself as one of the funniest actors. Its vulgar, but worth it, just leave the kids at home.
Needless to say, this was a surprise, because honestly, I felt I have only been giving 75%. But still with that effort i have lost. So happy and surprised on one side, but a little amazed at what could happen if I gave 100%.
My plan for tomorrow is that I am going to give 100% if not more. I want to see what I can do over the next week or two. Plan on good news : )
Today Alex and i spent some time beginning our new patio garden, its one of the new hobbies I want to try. I only have some herbs and a tomato plant, but its a start. Its been a hectic weekend that we got a lot done the; the majority of the house is clean.
We also went and saw Hot Tub Time Machine. It was hilarious. If you were born around the same time as me, so much in this movie will make you laugh; from the evil ski patrol guy to the soundtrack. Rob Courdry continues to solidify himself as one of the funniest actors. Its vulgar, but worth it, just leave the kids at home.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
may 19
I am scared.
I didn’t even know if I should blog this or not.
I guess that is why I have been gone or so long.
It’s been about 4 weeks since my diagnosis of diabetes.
I feel like we have caught it early enough that I can do things to reverse most of the symptoms.
However, I am overwhelmed.
I am tremendously frustrated at my progress.
To be certain, I have lost weight and I am feeling 100 times better, but I am still so large that it disgusts me to look in the mirror.
I have over 170 pounds to lose, that is a whole person!
I am not sure of my weight because I have not been to the doctor, or LVAC with the scale, I am going tonight.
Out of fear, and being overwhelmed, as well as a mild fiduciary need, I have postponed some of my NEEDED doctors tests, regarding my heart.
It costs a lot to be unhealthy, but I believe it’s better than being dead.
Its just another struggle I will have to face along the way, hundreds of dollars a month in healthcare needs.
The fiduciary thing, I can conceptualize, but the realization of the ECG and Stress test scare me out of my wits.
What happens if they tell me I am not supposed to hike or run or bike or climb any more?
Then what?
What is there to live for?
Another of my fears is my own expectation.
Can I do this?
Its more than just words people, it’s not as easy as a poster on the wall or someone saying that I can do this.
If I could do this on my own, I would have never gotten to 362 pounds.
That I certainly CAN do, losing it and getting in health, I am afraid of.
I am not the strongest person in the world, and I have been super down this week.
I have been dragging my chin and have had some really dark thoughts about my life and my future.
Today though, even with all of the negativity, I am choosing to start anew right now, and face these challenges.
I am going to fake it if I have to, until I DO make it.
Go through the motions even if it hurts.
There has to be some way over this hump, and if this is the only way, so be it.
My advice for the day is to not give up on yourself, even if those around you don’t count on your abilities.
I didn’t even know if I should blog this or not.
I guess that is why I have been gone or so long.
It’s been about 4 weeks since my diagnosis of diabetes.
I feel like we have caught it early enough that I can do things to reverse most of the symptoms.
However, I am overwhelmed.
I am tremendously frustrated at my progress.
To be certain, I have lost weight and I am feeling 100 times better, but I am still so large that it disgusts me to look in the mirror.
I have over 170 pounds to lose, that is a whole person!
I am not sure of my weight because I have not been to the doctor, or LVAC with the scale, I am going tonight.
Out of fear, and being overwhelmed, as well as a mild fiduciary need, I have postponed some of my NEEDED doctors tests, regarding my heart.
It costs a lot to be unhealthy, but I believe it’s better than being dead.
Its just another struggle I will have to face along the way, hundreds of dollars a month in healthcare needs.
The fiduciary thing, I can conceptualize, but the realization of the ECG and Stress test scare me out of my wits.
What happens if they tell me I am not supposed to hike or run or bike or climb any more?
Then what?
What is there to live for?
Another of my fears is my own expectation.
Can I do this?
Its more than just words people, it’s not as easy as a poster on the wall or someone saying that I can do this.
If I could do this on my own, I would have never gotten to 362 pounds.
That I certainly CAN do, losing it and getting in health, I am afraid of.
I am not the strongest person in the world, and I have been super down this week.
I have been dragging my chin and have had some really dark thoughts about my life and my future.
Today though, even with all of the negativity, I am choosing to start anew right now, and face these challenges.
I am going to fake it if I have to, until I DO make it.
Go through the motions even if it hurts.
There has to be some way over this hump, and if this is the only way, so be it.
My advice for the day is to not give up on yourself, even if those around you don’t count on your abilities.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
may 12
My goal is to be the best I can be.
If that is me at 250 pounds, 160 pounds, I will still need to learn to be happy in my own skin.
I have certainly learned to appreciate more in this world.
For a certainty, my illnesses have taken years off of my life – The only blessing is that Hildebrand’s seem to live a long time anyway, so maybe that’s not so bad.
It is true that diet, exercise, attitude, mental health and liking myself will add back some, but damage has been done and it is a face I have come to understand in a short time.
I have diabetes, I will always have diabetes.
I have a heart condition, I will always have a heart condition.
But, I believe.
Believe is a strong word, take out the letters “e” and you have blive. Blive by itself doesn’t mean much, but if you take the ‘b’ of and add ‘Ichooseto’ to the front of the word, you get ‘Ichoosetolive’, add a few spaces and finally, ‘I choose to live”. Wow, powerful, all from a belief. I can live with these illnesses and I can rock climb again, I can boat again, I can run again. Impossible.
I have seen the best and worst of man in the last few days. Two men outside, sitting on the curb of a Rebel gas station drinking from their bottles. Shirtless, scruffy, tanned.
Drinking and arguing about where they are going to get work. Along came a child and I couldn’t hear what the child said, but one of the men came to his feet, yelled at the boy to go home and “ask his damn mother, I am busy’. It broke my heart.
This morning, driving through a nasty part of my neighborhood I passed a Muslim woman in full burka, it was beautiful to see, flowing blue fabric. She stood with her child and waited for the bus. You could see the strength in her, defiant even in this nasty part of town – but perhaps she has seen worse.
I want that strength of character. It comes from doing right all the time; that is hard to do, for sure, but we should try. I am going to try, if not for my sake, but for my kids.
Much love today.
If that is me at 250 pounds, 160 pounds, I will still need to learn to be happy in my own skin.
I have certainly learned to appreciate more in this world.
For a certainty, my illnesses have taken years off of my life – The only blessing is that Hildebrand’s seem to live a long time anyway, so maybe that’s not so bad.
It is true that diet, exercise, attitude, mental health and liking myself will add back some, but damage has been done and it is a face I have come to understand in a short time.
I have diabetes, I will always have diabetes.
I have a heart condition, I will always have a heart condition.
But, I believe.
Believe is a strong word, take out the letters “e” and you have blive. Blive by itself doesn’t mean much, but if you take the ‘b’ of and add ‘Ichooseto’ to the front of the word, you get ‘Ichoosetolive’, add a few spaces and finally, ‘I choose to live”. Wow, powerful, all from a belief. I can live with these illnesses and I can rock climb again, I can boat again, I can run again. Impossible.
I have seen the best and worst of man in the last few days. Two men outside, sitting on the curb of a Rebel gas station drinking from their bottles. Shirtless, scruffy, tanned.
Drinking and arguing about where they are going to get work. Along came a child and I couldn’t hear what the child said, but one of the men came to his feet, yelled at the boy to go home and “ask his damn mother, I am busy’. It broke my heart.
This morning, driving through a nasty part of my neighborhood I passed a Muslim woman in full burka, it was beautiful to see, flowing blue fabric. She stood with her child and waited for the bus. You could see the strength in her, defiant even in this nasty part of town – but perhaps she has seen worse.
I want that strength of character. It comes from doing right all the time; that is hard to do, for sure, but we should try. I am going to try, if not for my sake, but for my kids.
Much love today.
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