I have plateaued at 310, but that is a little my fault. i have a hole in y plan called El Taco Fresco. Its so bad for me, but it seems once a week, yum-yum. i have dedicated myself to not eating it for 30 days. So, we will see.
Yesterday I signed up to volunteer at the Rock and Roll Triathlon Marathon / Half-Marathon in Vegas on December 5th, it should be great. 3 days - 2 in the hospitality tent and 1 on the race day. i think volunteering at as many as I can will help me to train, and learn tri's.
I want to write something that I had to think about. My fears about losing weight. Sounds odd eh? But its true, I have been heavy now over half my life, and morbidly obese for the last 5 years. I am afraid of who I will be when I lose the weight. Will that make me happy or will I still see myself as the fat guy? Will i be able to keep the weight off? Am I emotionally ready to be thin, do I think this will solve all my problems?
Absurd questions, but I have been wrapped up in the blanket of security called fat for some time now. I feel I may be kidding myself thinking I will date again. I don't want to always be alone, but I am not defined by my relationships. However, will i find someone to date?
anyway, I have to go back to work now.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Aug 13
Happy Friday the 13th beeches! I am 12 pounds away from 300 pounds. i still weigh 1/6.2 of a ton, but i am getting closer to that 1/10th that I want so bad (actually 1/12th, but who is counting?). i always told myself that once I dropped below 300 I would reward myself with a huge Western Bacon Double Cheeseburger, Large Fry and a chocolate shake....wait, no i didn't, sorry, cravings. I told myself I would get a new tattoo. I am thinking the word IMPOSSIBLE low on the back of my neck. Maybe up an arm, I do not know.
i am really excited to start training for a triathlon, i am well aware that I am not ready yet, but I am thinking in a year. i hopefully will weigh about 180-190 and have been running and biking. I am trying to volunteer at as many triathlons as I can until then, I figure i can take notes as to what is working what isn't. my poker dealer theory (poker dealers are good at cards becasue they see everything).
OK, i have to quit patting myself on the back, I have work to do. Catch you on the dark side. Snazzbucket!
i am really excited to start training for a triathlon, i am well aware that I am not ready yet, but I am thinking in a year. i hopefully will weigh about 180-190 and have been running and biking. I am trying to volunteer at as many triathlons as I can until then, I figure i can take notes as to what is working what isn't. my poker dealer theory (poker dealers are good at cards becasue they see everything).
OK, i have to quit patting myself on the back, I have work to do. Catch you on the dark side. Snazzbucket!
Monday, August 9, 2010
August 9th
Its hard to say, but I can swallow the bitterness that is the pill of my last 8 years. Marriage and life. I can now say that Melanie leaving has been the greatest improvement in my life. This is not to say i did not at one point love her, but I had become lethargic and apparently while married to her, would not make the change.
It took her asking me a divorce, grieving, getting angry and the span of a year to get myself right. I still have a long way to go weight wise, mentally and emotionally, but the change is evident. It wasn't the same with Valarie, we married to young, I was too selfish. It has taken some time as an adult to come to grips that I am a selfish being. my weight and nearly all of my emotional problems stem from "How am I going to come out of this?" or "What's in it for me?"
I am down a net 46 pounds (I gained a little this week, cheating - again, the me now theory, and had WAY to much sodium), I should drop like a brick once its out. But it opens my eyes every day I get on the scale to how far I had gone and how much I had given up on myself.
The people around me know I am not done, but instead of being ignored or being thought poorly of like I was in my marital home, I am greeted with words like, you encourage me and keep it up. I cannot tell you what this does for my psyche! I feel amazing. I have not felt this way since before I was married. I felt this way my 29th year. I am regaining it. On an even lighter note, two people who I work with each this week thought my age was 27 or 28, they had no idea I was a full decade ahead of that. Its an awesome feeling that I want to share.
You too can do it, not alone, but it is possible. It really is a one day at a time process. there are a couple of things that I had to do to start making it work:
1) buy a scale. Weigh yourself daily - treat yourself like a machine, you need to know when the machine is failing. A daily weigh in lets you face the reality, reward your success and tweak your habits.
2) Do SOMETHING - 4 months ago, i couldn't do 10 minutes on a treadmill for a stress test, I was riding around the store in a cart. I hurt to move, every 20 steps it was like having a heart attack. What i did to start was just getting out of the cart at the store. then I would go do my own errands instead of sending the boys, soon I was able to walk around the store without breathing funny and hurting to bad, now I am in the gym.
3) Face your fears. It is scary to weigh a lot. It is terrifying that we have wrapped ourselves up and we feel secure behind the facade of our weight. But that is what it is, a facade. Its fake, it hurts to let go, but it is worth it. I feel terrific at 315, imagine 300, 250 and even my goal of 180.
4) Stay off the fads. Just eat fish, chicken, turkey, a little lean red meat and load up on veggies. Know a portion, and use smaller plates. Fad diets only work in the short term, I am on a life journey, not a diet - its about making good choices from this second on. Eat lots of fruit! It is so much better than ice cream.
5) tell someone. this will help your accountability, and maybe you will motivate someone too, that is worth more than any pound i have lost to hear my coworker say, you inspire me. Now if I can get my mother that message.
6) Have a goal. I want to date again, I want to climb, etc. I am not comfortable dating yet, but know that in a few months of hard work, I will and in a little over a year, I will be back in the scene and climbing again.
This is simple, make good choices, forgive yourself. But sometimes you do need outside help and I encourage you to get it, that is my next step. I have some emotional and mental items that confound me I want to solve, solve-not think about.
Anyway, enough self help for now. In closing, Melanie, thank you. It took you throwing away the last 8 years, breaking my heart and ruining me to hit rock bottom. For that, I thank you.
It took her asking me a divorce, grieving, getting angry and the span of a year to get myself right. I still have a long way to go weight wise, mentally and emotionally, but the change is evident. It wasn't the same with Valarie, we married to young, I was too selfish. It has taken some time as an adult to come to grips that I am a selfish being. my weight and nearly all of my emotional problems stem from "How am I going to come out of this?" or "What's in it for me?"
I am down a net 46 pounds (I gained a little this week, cheating - again, the me now theory, and had WAY to much sodium), I should drop like a brick once its out. But it opens my eyes every day I get on the scale to how far I had gone and how much I had given up on myself.
The people around me know I am not done, but instead of being ignored or being thought poorly of like I was in my marital home, I am greeted with words like, you encourage me and keep it up. I cannot tell you what this does for my psyche! I feel amazing. I have not felt this way since before I was married. I felt this way my 29th year. I am regaining it. On an even lighter note, two people who I work with each this week thought my age was 27 or 28, they had no idea I was a full decade ahead of that. Its an awesome feeling that I want to share.
You too can do it, not alone, but it is possible. It really is a one day at a time process. there are a couple of things that I had to do to start making it work:
1) buy a scale. Weigh yourself daily - treat yourself like a machine, you need to know when the machine is failing. A daily weigh in lets you face the reality, reward your success and tweak your habits.
2) Do SOMETHING - 4 months ago, i couldn't do 10 minutes on a treadmill for a stress test, I was riding around the store in a cart. I hurt to move, every 20 steps it was like having a heart attack. What i did to start was just getting out of the cart at the store. then I would go do my own errands instead of sending the boys, soon I was able to walk around the store without breathing funny and hurting to bad, now I am in the gym.
3) Face your fears. It is scary to weigh a lot. It is terrifying that we have wrapped ourselves up and we feel secure behind the facade of our weight. But that is what it is, a facade. Its fake, it hurts to let go, but it is worth it. I feel terrific at 315, imagine 300, 250 and even my goal of 180.
4) Stay off the fads. Just eat fish, chicken, turkey, a little lean red meat and load up on veggies. Know a portion, and use smaller plates. Fad diets only work in the short term, I am on a life journey, not a diet - its about making good choices from this second on. Eat lots of fruit! It is so much better than ice cream.
5) tell someone. this will help your accountability, and maybe you will motivate someone too, that is worth more than any pound i have lost to hear my coworker say, you inspire me. Now if I can get my mother that message.
6) Have a goal. I want to date again, I want to climb, etc. I am not comfortable dating yet, but know that in a few months of hard work, I will and in a little over a year, I will be back in the scene and climbing again.
This is simple, make good choices, forgive yourself. But sometimes you do need outside help and I encourage you to get it, that is my next step. I have some emotional and mental items that confound me I want to solve, solve-not think about.
Anyway, enough self help for now. In closing, Melanie, thank you. It took you throwing away the last 8 years, breaking my heart and ruining me to hit rock bottom. For that, I thank you.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Journey
I feel so much better eating right, losing the weight. I wish I could bottle this up, take it wherever I o. Melanie and I have now been apart about 1 year, technically a little more counting the time we didn't speak or live in the same room while at the house of evil. This sounds bad, and I hope you can understand this but I feel the years I was married to her were a waste of my time.I was very much in love with her from the word go, but other than companionship for a few of those years, I have nothing of value - truly not even a very good lesson learned except for those that have and are coming forth in the divorce. I can't get those nearly 7 years back. I would like to say I am a stronger person, but I am not. I was at my highpoint just before marrying her, and now, I am on the road back but at such a damnable cost, its not worth it.
I bring this up, because as I am getting thinner, I am thinking more and more about companionship. If you haven't read my cousin Wendy' blog, you gotta link over there. She is a couple years older than me, and single and trying to date in San Francisco, she is such a spirit and an entertaining writer, I look forward to her posts about the dating scene, but they also scare me a little.
Internally, due to my poor self image, I do not feel that I bring any value to a relationship so I am scared to even look. I feel I need to drop another 100 pounds before I really start looking, and maybe another 140 total before I can seriously begin dating. I can't see what someone would see in me. Mind you, I have a schedule of losing 10 pounds each month, and based on that schedule I would be ready to really date on September 30th, 2011. I will only be 38 so that is still young enough, right? The diabetes and other health issues have probably knocked a good 15 years off of my life, even getting healthy now, so figure I was going to live to be 80 ish, I can look forward to 27 years of more of this, lol.
14 months, that's a long time. Maybe I can fill it up with writing, painting, etc. But I would kill for a friend, or a companion (other than my loving boys-someday you guys will understand) to go see a movie with, hike with, go get coffee, etc. I do not have a deep connection with anyone on Earth outside of my family. That is no bueno, and it really makes me sad. I don' know how to reverse this, but everyone I have gotten close to male or female, friend or relationship, has hurt me (and I probably have done some hurting too, along the way). So needless to say I am jaded.
OK, this rant has gone on long enough. I know I am going to hear a lot of "hang in there" responses, and I welcome them, but I really am not sure how I can at this point.
: )
PS - Here is the link to my Examiner.com page, please read from time to time, tell a friend and if you know anyone in Vegas that would like to advertise, send them my way. http://www.examiner.com/x-62057-Las-Vegas-Outdoor-Recreation-Examiner
I bring this up, because as I am getting thinner, I am thinking more and more about companionship. If you haven't read my cousin Wendy' blog, you gotta link over there. She is a couple years older than me, and single and trying to date in San Francisco, she is such a spirit and an entertaining writer, I look forward to her posts about the dating scene, but they also scare me a little.
Internally, due to my poor self image, I do not feel that I bring any value to a relationship so I am scared to even look. I feel I need to drop another 100 pounds before I really start looking, and maybe another 140 total before I can seriously begin dating. I can't see what someone would see in me. Mind you, I have a schedule of losing 10 pounds each month, and based on that schedule I would be ready to really date on September 30th, 2011. I will only be 38 so that is still young enough, right? The diabetes and other health issues have probably knocked a good 15 years off of my life, even getting healthy now, so figure I was going to live to be 80 ish, I can look forward to 27 years of more of this, lol.
14 months, that's a long time. Maybe I can fill it up with writing, painting, etc. But I would kill for a friend, or a companion (other than my loving boys-someday you guys will understand) to go see a movie with, hike with, go get coffee, etc. I do not have a deep connection with anyone on Earth outside of my family. That is no bueno, and it really makes me sad. I don' know how to reverse this, but everyone I have gotten close to male or female, friend or relationship, has hurt me (and I probably have done some hurting too, along the way). So needless to say I am jaded.
OK, this rant has gone on long enough. I know I am going to hear a lot of "hang in there" responses, and I welcome them, but I really am not sure how I can at this point.
: )
PS - Here is the link to my Examiner.com page, please read from time to time, tell a friend and if you know anyone in Vegas that would like to advertise, send them my way. http://www.examiner.com/x-62057-Las-Vegas-Outdoor-Recreation-Examiner
Friday, July 30, 2010
July 30
OK, so i have a goal of dropping under 300 by Adams birthday, Sept 15th but I cannot seem to break through 320. I am happy I have come this far, but frustrated at what i need to do to remove this plateau. I have vowed to never see 324 or higher again and I have done well to keep that trhough.
i am going to up the actvity level and see if that helps, I am only at about 1200 calories, so I cant cut any more there. ARGHH, this is so complicated. Ease up on carbs and eat protein for the diet; slow down on protein and eat more carbs for the diabetes. Crap.
i am going to up the actvity level and see if that helps, I am only at about 1200 calories, so I cant cut any more there. ARGHH, this is so complicated. Ease up on carbs and eat protein for the diet; slow down on protein and eat more carbs for the diabetes. Crap.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Holy crap i remembered my account name!
Its been a long time baby since I first got down, and I still keep rocking this brutal town.
So I am winning the war with just a few lost battles (Chinese food for instance tonight). But, its not a diet, its a lifestyle choice - if I chose to eat poorly, I have to moderate my other meals due to the diabetes and weight. So, I went and worked out intensely for a bit tonight and I am loving it.
I started this out in April at 364, this morning I was at 322.5. i will never see 325 again. i had a bad couple of weeks in there when i back slid, but my goal is 299 by 9/15 so send me some love.
Its very hard to know what to eat when you have to worry about spiking your blood sugar. Is that 90 c special K bar OK? How about that turkey sandwich on rye? I am still learning, I do not have a diabetic nutritionist, so its tough. I learn from the Internet and books.
My faith in myself is growing little by little. I just gave up the car and bought a bicycle, I will be biking and busing to work from now on - oh, i will buy a little pick up to drive to Utah and carry a canoe, but for now, lets just get to 250!
Much love my friends.
PS - I start working as a freelance writer for Examiner.com as the Lass Vegas Outdoor Recreation expert. I will let everyone know my page when it is up, i get paid based on the number of visitors and sponsors i can traffic, so tell a friend.
So I am winning the war with just a few lost battles (Chinese food for instance tonight). But, its not a diet, its a lifestyle choice - if I chose to eat poorly, I have to moderate my other meals due to the diabetes and weight. So, I went and worked out intensely for a bit tonight and I am loving it.
I started this out in April at 364, this morning I was at 322.5. i will never see 325 again. i had a bad couple of weeks in there when i back slid, but my goal is 299 by 9/15 so send me some love.
Its very hard to know what to eat when you have to worry about spiking your blood sugar. Is that 90 c special K bar OK? How about that turkey sandwich on rye? I am still learning, I do not have a diabetic nutritionist, so its tough. I learn from the Internet and books.
My faith in myself is growing little by little. I just gave up the car and bought a bicycle, I will be biking and busing to work from now on - oh, i will buy a little pick up to drive to Utah and carry a canoe, but for now, lets just get to 250!
Much love my friends.
PS - I start working as a freelance writer for Examiner.com as the Lass Vegas Outdoor Recreation expert. I will let everyone know my page when it is up, i get paid based on the number of visitors and sponsors i can traffic, so tell a friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)